So I am struggling today. Yesterday if you read past the end of my post in the “PS” section I revealed I am going back to work in the office I left almost a year ago, they are excited about that and so am I! I am a Massage Therapist and can’t wait to getting back to doing what I love and what I am good at twice a week! However, every experiment of me going back to work since I have had kids, has ended in realizing my family needs me at home so I go back home to be a stay at home full time mom. Usually starts with or involves my house being less clean and organized, me feeling mom guilt by not being able to be at the kids and hubs beck and call and just plain blah don’t have me time, I don’t have family time and I don’t have cleaning time. Which is why almost a year ago I decided I needed to be at home. I have missed my work. I miss seeing clients and knowing that I have made their day better. I miss knowing what I am doing and how to fix the problem in front of me and not having to fight with myself to accomplish tasks. When I do massage I am an expert! I have a lot of experience and training and I have even taught massage.
So since it will be less than a month when I go back to work, only two days a week and only during the hours that the kids are at school, I feel the need to get the house super clean and organized. It is a big fucking overwhelming task! All I can do is sit back and be irritated that I have so much to do and I don’t know where to start. I want someone to come rescue me, the way my mom used to come rescue me when I would forget something at home she always brought it to school for me. I know I just have to do it, so why is it so hard for me to just do it?! Come on seriously Ruby WTF?! I probably sound like an annoying whiner, especially to you moms who are already working and doing everything! Or to you men who get up and go to work everyday only to come home to a wife who has been home all day and you think we doing nothing. I hate myself feeling the way I feel right now. I hate myself for writing about it and not just doing it too!
I want so badly to help my family in so many ways. So why don’t I? I want to fix everything that is wrong or hard in this family. I want to make a little more money to help to take pressure off the hubs so he can be able to do whatever he wants for us and not have to worry about how the bills will get paid after. That financial freedom we had before we had kids and both of us had well paying full time jobs. I want to organize this house and cook food for the family so that we are all healthy. I want to be able to hug and love and take all the bad stuff away. So why is it so fucking hard for me to just put clothes away? The hubs works his ass off for us at work. At work he is the one who goes in and rescues all the problems he is an expert at his job. He is the one they call to fix the tough problems I am sure it is stressful for him to get all the hard stuff to do. So when I struggle actually getting my measly tasks done around the house I can understand why he is frustrated because he has struggled getting all the hard stuff done at his job. I am so frustrated.
I love writing about it, why cant I just harness this energy and get the shit done? I am a great complainer. I love planning things and making lists I am good at the planning! I have a good vision of what I want and need to do. I suck at time management and breaking down the tasks so they are manageable and struggle focusing and follow through. I want my house organized and perfectly running smoothly, why wouldn’t I want to just fold the clothes and wash the dishes. Why do I avoid those tasks?
Am I the only one that does this? I struggle letting my husband know I appreciate him. I know he wants a clean house and organized place to come home to but he has a forgetful wife who gets caught up in the moment and forgets things like to put the preplanned out meal in the crock pot and then has to get dinner ready all frazzled. I had great intentions but one misstep and the whole thing is fucked! Why and how I do I do this to myself. Why is it so hard? What makes me think I can go back to work a few days and week and do this with two less days a week when I can’t do it without working?! Obviously, being a stay at home mom has not been the magic answer. I really hate myself on some days…many days. Go clean the bathtub that’s what you need to do, organize your closet and put the clothes away and then vacuum. There now you are worthy! What The FUCK?! This is what goes on in my head!
Logically I know that I am worthy of love and everything that I get from my husband and the world. However, most times I feel that I am not, so what do I do to make up for that. Many times that means overly explaining and justifying my opinion to people like a grocery store cashier who I do not owe an explanation for anything to! Or it means trading sexual favors so the hubs can have a release and forget that the house is a bit chaotic. Or it means making the Girl dinner before she goes to dance and then eating mine cold after I get back. I can’t make up for not being perfect for everyone. All I can do is be me and do me as best as I can. Honestly, am I alone in feeling like I don’t know who or what the real me is? Am I as worthy of love as my house is clean? Am I as good as I am organized? or am I as frail as I am frazzled? I love my family, I love being a stay at home mom but I can’t focus on the house and my duties to save my life…well maybe to save my life. I can clean like no ones business if I am pissed! When the hubs and I get in arguments I clean, drives him crazy but helps me not explode and blow up and scream at him we haven’t argued like that in a long time…maybe because when we fight it is because the house is not clean and his anxiety about the craziness creeps up on him and my defensiveness creeps up on me and my frustration with my time management issues bother me as much as they do him…
Anyway this blog is brought up because I have a lot of shit to do and need to get to it so I will stop sulking and bitching and go do it! I will do this! I will make sure I learn to love myself even with dirty dished in the sink. I will put those plans into action one of these days but today I will just go do!
Or I will say Fuck It and it will be a sexual favors for the hubs kind of night! 😉 Either way I will love myself and my negativity will go away. I will love me and not with food or drink just love me! I am going to go get my Essential Oils Brain Power and En-R-Gee! Let’s do this! Go Ruby!