So it is back to work for me soon. It is the beginning of March! The Doc I work for was on vacation and wanted me to wait until he returned. I got a text from him asking when am I going to be ready?…Wait, what? I don’t know if I am or am ever going to be “ready.” Sometimes you just have to move forward, ready or not! Don’t get me wrong, I want to go back to work! I am nervous that all the things that were happening when I left the first time will happen again. The fighting at home, the craziness with the kids, me being frazzled all the time. I love my work. The Doc and office staff have been suggesting I come back ever since I left.

It was a teary conversation with the Doc and I when I told him I was leaving. I don’t think the Doc knew how to take it. It was a rough week for him to because one of the front desk staff had just that day said she was moving across country with her husband for his work. I told him I was going to go back to focusing on my family. They needed me. The tumultuous stuff between the Hubs and I had started kind of when I went back to work about 3-4 years prior anyway and the kids got busy with sports and competitive the kids got super busy The Girl in dance and the Boy in all three sports. The Hubs and I were fighting a lot. I needed to focus on being able to keep the house clean and organized and not be scatterbrained so much. It made me sad to have to quit. I did it because I wanted to help my family survive. We had paid off the cars so no car payments and I was pretty sure the Hubs and I had got through the really rough stuff and we would be sticking together. So money wasn’t the reason I was working anyway. So it was time to go focus on the family.

It was hard to leave because I felt such a connection to that office. I have worked many places and they are all hard to leave, but I really felt a connection to this office. The Doc and I got along like we had been working together for our whole career. He may say differently but that is how I felt. I have always in the past felt that I was separate. I was the contracted Massage Therapist who they referred to and I would go to my office and work on my clients and I was on my own. The job was the same everywhere but at my favorite office there was a connection. We would converse about how patients were doing and he would ask me what I thought and give me the respect that my professional opinion mattered. I think it was because that is where I was supposed to be. Since I left he would say things like “you can come back any time you know” which made me feel acknowledged and proud of my work.

Well, that became a real reality recently as his practice has grown, he has hired another doctor to come in a couple of days a week and is expanding! We have chatted about it the last few weeks and are still waiting to decide on the official start date, but  I will be going back to work with my true work family! I am excited. I am nervous that there will be growing pains at home from me not being there 24/7. I am scared that this will affect my bad assness as a stay at home mom. A little identity crisis if you will. I will not be “just a mom” anymore, I will be a working mom…I hate that title as much as I hate “Just a mom” or “Stay at home mom”. Not a bad problem to have right?

I decided to go back to work, kind of on a whim, one day when the Hubs was saying he wanted to get a new car. The only way I can see us being able to afford that is if we have more income and that will only happen if I go back to work. The household work will need to get delegated better! I really need to work hard on the idea that my worth is not connected to whether or not the laundry is all the way done, I need to convince the Hubs of that too. (shshshsh don’t tell him I said that). I am choosing to work two days a week during the school day. So no daycare or kid pick up issues as of yet. I hope that will be enough and I hope I can find clients that are available from 8:30-2 for massage.

I am so looking forward to it. I have had so many clients tell me I was the best massage therapist. And apparently people have been asking about me at the office. I am not saying that to be arrogant, it is just reality. I think I am a pretty good LMP! I went to school and learned the trade. I have over 16 years experience, I have trained in different modalities and I believe it is what I was called to do. I even taught for a while. I think going back to do what I am good at and what I love will help me with my task of self acceptance. I know I am good I got the grades to prove it and I was trusted to instruct others! I don’t think I should need that kind of evidence to accept myself or to be able to be proud of me, it’s just part of my work I must do on myself. I love my work.

In my other job as a homemaker….I know I am a good mom and even good at running the household but I have no proof (no Paycheck, no boss to tell me they are happy I am there, no clients saying thank you and scheduling another appointment or referring their friends to you) and the forgotten homework and unmade beds prove otherwise! So how can I say I am good when on any given day there are at least 3 tasks I didn’t get done or didn’t completely finish or my shoes are not put away, don’t even consider looking at my side of the closet! I feel a bit of a weight lifted off of my shoulder going back to do work I am good at, that I love and that I know how to do! For me massage is a breeze, sometimes it is tough when you get a case that is really hard and you can’t figure out why they are not getting better but then they tell you they started wearing suspenders instead of belts and the light bulb goes off! Yes, I am excited for those moments, that doesn’t happen for me washing dishes or cleaning floors. Not that I won’t be doing all that still I will just have one area in my life that I am an expert at! Can’t wait!

So back to my question, am I ready? Yes! I can’t wait. But I am scared of all the other things the house is not “ready” like I wanted it organized and flow of everything…yeah I fly by the seat of my pants still and will for always probably. I will do my best to keep the house up as much as I have been I will plan meals ahead of time not at the grocery store. I may even cook a weeks worth and do freezer meals or make lunches a few days at a time…I can do this it take preparedness and planning and the biggest thing is follow through! I love my job at my favorite office, I can’t wait to start again. I also love my job as a homemaker and that one I am not “quitting” I am just adjusting my schedule! Cheers to all the moms who are both homemakers and experts in other fields! Go do your job so well they will beg you to come back! Maybe one day you will!

#Everyday2015