I have felt bad about myself lately. I want to be better at cleaning and have the house organized. I want to motivate myself on the days I don’t feel motivated. I have felt that even when I try so hard to do a good job it is still not good enough! What am I missing. Where is the acceptance that I have been working so hard at giving myself? I think part of it is that I am making myself compare to other people. What they think about me and what I think about them. I have a friend who is a stay at home mom and she is very organized always gorgeous and I am sure her house is organized with baskets in the pantry and never has to rush around to find socks for her elementary school kids and never fights with her husband or yells at her kids. I want to be her!
However I am almost 99% sure that in real life that is not her experience either. I will never be “Her” and she probably isn’t “Her” either. I just have this perception of perfection that is unrealistic. The Hubs says to me a lot that I can do better. He has great ideas but for some reason I cannot ever work the way he suggests. Why? Because I am me. He has a great problem solving brain and his brain solves problems the way he would work. I have a great problem solving brain and great ideas that will work, but my brain lacks follow through which comes with my ADD. That’s not an excuse, just harsh reality. I think I can train it to be better at follow through, I just have to do it, right? It sucks and I hate it! Which is one of the reasons I am going back to work. I am a massage therapist. I work really well 1 hour at a time. I have an hour to work on one body and do what I know to help relieve pain, increase Range Of Motion, and increase relaxation. I love being a massage therapist. I am hoping that going back to work helps me to feel better about me because it will give me something to do that I am good at and know that I am good at, and I will get that from my work, hopefully.
They say if you try to judge a fish by how well it can climb a tree it will always feel like a failure. So I think that is one reason I feel like I am never good enough. I am like that fish, I am trying to be good at something I am not made for. The ability of a fish to climb a tree is irrelevant and does not make him good or bad. I need to stop trying to please all the stay at home mom haters out there. I try to be this great Suzy homemaker, Stepford wife when that is just not me.
I am a wife that loves to satisfy my husband, not by having a spotless house but by giving him an orgasm every night. I even stretch my comfort zone of sexual acts that I sometimes might not be my first choice but they are his and I know he likes them. I do it, within my discretion and my choice of course. I am the wife that plans dates and weekends away and babysitters so we can have our one on one time. I gave my kids the early bedtime when they were babies so that the Hubs and I could have time to eat dinner together sans crying baby in the room. The Girl was colicky and cried a lot, I sensed early on that the Hubs needed some adult time with me when our daughter was very young. I wanted to make sure our baby didn’t tear us apart because she was a needy baby. So I found a way to not lose us and not let him be on the back burner which is what happens to a lot of dads of young babies. Some of those men can handle it more than others. I know my husband and I know me and I know my kids. I have managed them all pretty well I think. We are a fairly happy family everyone has their moments. I make my husband his favorite food as often as he tells me what he wants. I make him awesome drinks after a long day at work. I do my best to spoil and satisfy him. Would he like the house cleaner? Yes. I do try extra hard and when it gets real bad and I can tell he really needs me to put in some time and get it taken care of…I do push harder then to get it done. He likes the things I do for him as well, if he had to pick he would probably pick good sex over a clean house. He has told me on a few occasions if we have sex like that I don’t care what the house looks like. The sad part is that I cannot do it all! I am trying my best but I have to stop being a fish and trying to climb trees. I must keep swimming giving my best efforts to what I know, love and am good at, and just keep my head above water on the rest of it.
So I will fuck my husband like crazy, as much as I physically can. I will do the best I can to clean up as I go and love him in a way that makes him feel loved and me feel accepted by myself. We are all a work in progress and we all must learn to manage what we are good at and get through the rest. I love my husband and my family and love being the homemaker. To be a good homemaker you do not have to have a spotless house! Love the fish in your family and don’t make them feel bad that they can’t climb trees! So I will go make love and hopefully that will stop some of the stress wars before they start. As we always say we would rather fuck than fight anyway! ❤