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When I have an idea of what to write about I need to write it down. Almost first thing the morning when I was making breakfast and lunches for the kids I thought of something to write about today, it was going to be good. But here I am sitting in front of my computer blank. I have no idea what it was that I was going to write about. So here I go just writing. Biggest lieI keep thinking I want to sound educated and inspirational, then I go to no, just write what you feel and comes to you. Put your thoughts out there on the screen and someone will be inspired, some way in their life. Sometimes in the midst of my life I think I am full of shit thinking I can write a blog and have people actually follow it let alone even like it. Since my switch from Blogger to here on Word Press I have gained WordPress blog followers. They are other bloggers who may even be real writers not just people like me who thinks it is fun to sit at the computer writing about life thinking that someone needs to know there are real people out there just like them hoping they fit into the world and are worthy of being loved and living their life the way they want.I want to inspire

I am tired today. It is supposed to be my work day but I have no appointments. I do have a lot of errands and work to do at home. It is the Hubs’ birthday party weekend. I am making homemade lasagna, homemade bread and a cake. I think I am going to make a booby cake. It has been a while since I have done one. Today and tomorrow are filled with a lot of homemaker work. So Today, I am slightly questioning my going back to work. This is my ugly doubting self that pears it’s ugly head questioning change when things don’t go smoothly quickly or are too hard. Do I really have time? Will it really work? Will I ever get clients? YES YES YES IT WILL! I think I just need to do a massage, to remind myself that I want to work. Maybe I just need to talk to the Doc or Receptionist to see if they want to be my first massage in my new office (I worked there over a year ago but we have remodeled so it is in a new location). Being in the space and doing massage will solidify my feelings of being there and being all in. I know I want this I just keep running into road blocks and bumps in the road.

Part of why I want to work is to claim my place in this world, not that being a mom and wife is not a place but part of my identity is a Massage Therapist. I am also a wife and a mom but I was Massage Therapist first and I miss that identity. I miss helping patients feel relaxed being the highlight of their day. Now, I know sometimes I am the highlight of my husband’s day but that is after he walked into the kitchen and gasped at the mess that is there. I know my kids love me and it is a highlight of their day when I go to school and help out but when I don’t stay for lunch or the whole day they are disappointed. I always let someone down some way everyday. When I am a Massage Therapist I am the highlight. Yes there are those who hurt after especially if it is treatment from a car accident or some injury treatment work but we work toward getting better, healing, feeling better and relaxing! I love that part of my work and my job.

There is part of me that is mad at myself for needing my job to make me feel good about me and make me feel like I am worthy. It’s not that bad though. I am good at what I do and I love it. I do sometimes feel bad leaving my family to work, which is why I have decided in this stint of work I am working during the school days. A perfect solution. Two days a week, while everyone is already gone at work/school and I get to do what I love. Now I just need clients! I love massage. I need to do some marketing I guess. Time to take my brochure to OB’s in the area (I specialize in Pregnancy massage) and time to go to Dentist offices I also am certified in Intra Oral Massage (great for TMJ syndrome) so on my work days I will be visiting possible locations that I can strum up some clients. Time to work.

On the days I am home I will work on house stuff. Cleaning organizing taking care of me, including eating right and working out. I have kind of slacked off on that recently! I can do this whole Homemaker and Part time working woman thing and blogger at the same time! I know I can and I will. When I am not super perfect “Suzy Homemaker” I will give myself a break and who knows maybe soon I will make enough money I can hire someone to do the things I don’t like to do like the deep cleaning house stuff of scrubbing toilets, dusting and taking care of cobwebs. Ooh that will be so nice, to come home from a long day at work to a spotless house. I used to have that and I loved it. Soon very soon. Gotta go get some clients.

In the meantime, I will continue to write and enjoy it, hopefully I will continue to gather followers and inspire people to have more sex, love like they never have before and wash clothes. I am loving my blog I am loving being Ruby and I will continue everyday in 2015! Now put your clothes in the washer, kiss your kids and go have sex (lock you door). Be you, love you, and accept you for who you are!