So yesterday was a bad day! Obviously if you read my post. The Hubs and I were arguing. When I get angry I get what my counselor calls flooded. When I get flooded with anger I am so incapable of making sense of anything. If I don’t catch myself I end up yelling and screaming and saying shit I don’t mean and wish I could take back but as they say, “you can’t un-ring a bell” I am not proud of that it is what it is. The Hubs and I respond to being flooded differently. I get to a point where I need to pull away to ground myself. I need to get out of the fire, so to speak. When I do get away, I can close my eyes and breath and remind myself that it is not the end of the world. I cannot do that if I am still in the argument or having to be in the conversation. Which is where the Hubs and I differ. He needs closure and he needs reassurance that I am not going anywhere. When he hears me say I need to get away he thinks the worst, like I am never coming back! Maybe because sometimes me needing to “get away” is preceded by me saying something like I hate him and don’t want to live like this anymore.
You could say I am a bit of a drama queen when it comes to being angry. I go to the extremes, fast. I like to think of myself as pretty positive normally, but all bets are off when I get flooded. When I am in a confrontation and start to get flooded with anyone else I just withdraw. I usually defer to their opinion and back down from mine. However, I do not do that with the Hubs. I want him to respect me and my space and let me be right even when I am wrong. (Who doesn’t, right?)
Yesterday’s blog kind of sort of maybe called him out. It was completely one-sided, it was my side of how I was feeling. In no way did I intend to say it was all his fault and that he is to blame or that I had done nothing wrong. I did purposely write yesterday without censoring myself, I wanted to be real. Also, I had no capabilities of being positive or seeing the balanced side at the moment that I wrote it. I also wanted to shine the light of “hey, we are all human” and let everyone know that we all have shitty blow our fights sometimes that we can’t just get over it, just like you do! I wish we could get over it faster or not have them but we don’t. In the big picture we love each other more than we hate fighting with each other. As cliché as it is we really would rather be fighting with each other than laughing, kissing or fucking or doing anything else with anyone else!
So I have had an epiphany moment, I don’t think people change. Everyone says people change and then sometimes we move on. But I really think that people don’t change. We are who we are, that person you thought your spouse could be is not who they are! A lot of marriages don’t work out because sometimes when people get married they see the potential in someone. They are in love with what they think this person will become or should become or is trying to become. People don’t change and why would you want the person you fell in love with to change,anyway? What happens is situations change and people may change the way they handle situations. We gain responsibilities when we get married. Responsibilities to our spouse and our families we get older, we have kids, bills to pay finances to manage, a house to clean, yard to take care of vacations to plan and date nights. When you first met your spouse chances are you didn’t have all that. How do we deal with our changing lives and unchanging spouse?…we accept them! If we don’t we can never be happy. My husband has not changed but our lives have, a lot, and that is what I am working with understanding and accepting! He is the same guy, I am the same girl and we come from different areas of the world so to speak so we manage and handle things differently we need to continue to work to accept and love through all of it!
I believe people can stay together with the one they love even when their lives change around them. The Hubs and I, I am pretty sure of this, we are the same two kids we were in high school. I was the same selfish girl who wanted to be right even when she was wrong, you know the whole princess phenomenon. The Hubs is the same guy who would always rescue the princess. He would put his books down to catch hers! Problem being the princess’s problems/issues are more complex than the books not falling on the ground.
I still love my rescuing fixer guy! I often times don’t understand why he is so overprotective of me. He won’t let me go if he doesn’t think I am OK and when I tell him I need a break to ground myself he doesn’t want to let that princess down and in his head he probably is letting the princess down if he doesn’t fix her! He just wants to be noticed for that (who doesn’t) and I just want to be able to stand on my own and not need to be rescued, but, secretly, I still want and need to be rescued!
Does this make sense? What I want to get across today is that a fight (or even many) does not spell the end! I am a princess by all accounts but I really want everyone including my rescuing prince that I can manage even though there is a big part of me that doesn’t want to be apart from him either. We both have a very strong personality that most times balance each other out and we are, most of the time, getting pretty good at working that all out. However every once in a while (like yesterday) those two strong personalities clash but really, like yesterday, a big important piece that we miss is that we are both fighting for the same thing just saying it differently. Sometimes we have to just allow the other person their own space to be who they are. I am a nurturer (sometimes I need to just nurture myself when I am angry), he is a fixer and we need to work to accept that of each other.
More than accepting the other person we need to accept where our life is and how it has changed and we really are in a place that we really do love, it just comes with a lot of work and effort and there are times we both just want to check out (who doesn’t). Bottom line I would rather be fighting with my husband than doing anything else with anyone else. Fighting to get the good times, is really worth the fight! Make up sex is pretty rocking too! I love my husband and my life even the days like yesterday, well, not yesterday as much as today but you take the bad with the good. If we don’t have our bad, how do we know how good our good is?!