I’m struggling today! I had only one massage on my massage work day. The other two I had scheduled were canceled. I need to work. I want to work but I don’t want a job and to not have work. I want quit working nights but for now I can’t because I don’t make enough money with out having a full massage schedule. I mean we could do it but it is much less stressful with me working! I am so torn right now. I am sad that things are going the way they are going.

This is a slow time of year anyway and add to it stresses at the office I just go to work to find new frustrations everyday. I am the one who decided to do massage during the school day. It was slow before the other therapist left and then picked up and finally got busy for me after she left and then I was overwhelmed. I had even considered quitting and just bartending. I just got used to being busy and things fall abpart after they hire a new Massage Therapist to work when I am not. But many clients want to get massage when I am not working and the new therapist is working sometimes is working when I am working which takes away a chance for me to make that money as well as build up a clientele for when I do plan to work. I hate having competition in my own office. I hate wanting to help her learn as she is a brand new massage therapist but being scared to share my “secrets” with her because that is all I have right now. If she is working peak hours of evening as well as whenever else then I am the one there only on a few days and before 3pm…. It’s why iut took me so long to decide to go back anyway.

I know it can work! I know I am a good massage therapist! Why can’t I fill my schedule? Why won’t my friends schedule at my office (many don’t want to call the office, they just want to call me). I get a commission so that means I don’t have to pay a flat rent so when I am not so busy I am not on the hook for a flat fee if I don’t make it. But it also means it takes more appointments to make a living. It is the best pay a Massage therapist can get in this  area right now but I would rather not give half of my income to someone else. I want to love my job. I do love my job, I love my work. I hate the drama that is there right now!

I want to be bold and go into private practice but I am scared. All of my clients are clients that were referred to by the Dr I work for. However since the new massage therapist started I don’t think I have got one new client and she has acquired 2 of mine due to scheduling, they want to be seen after work. I wonder if I could remedy this by starting to work later on the days I work. But then family would be compromised but I already am compromising my family by working at the bar on Tuesdays and Fridays but I make quite a bit more to make it more worth my while. Although I am told the bar industry kind of plummets this time of year too.

I don’t know what to do! I am stressed and sad and just want things to go my way! Why does everything have to be so hard? I want to get that car for my husband, I want a house on the lake and I want the Girl to be able to dance without financial stress and the Boy to do whatever activity he wants to do as well. I want a retirement and I want to keep Seahawks season tickets! I know I am asking a lot but really that is where it is at! I am sad and stressed and needed to vent this out today! UGH! I just don’t know what to do. I am tired of not know what to do. What I normally do is just keep doing what is not working hoping something will change. Well, I need to make the change. Be the change you want to see, right? That’s what I need to do I just don’t know what that is… Why can’t life be easy? Why can’t these decisions be simple. I want to be a Massage Therapist. I want to do it in hours that also allow me to be a mom and wife and pseudo homemaker. Why can’t that be okay? Why? Why? Why?

Well, I think the question I need to ask is How can I be a Massage Therapist and do it in the hours that allow me to be a mom and wife and pseudo homemaker? How can I make this happen? Look for a new space? Grow a new practice? I’ve done it before and so have many others! How can I make this happen? That is the question I need to ask and meditate on!! So let’s focus on that How can I do what I love and make it work in all arenas! Financial, schedule, energy and time….. It CAN happen. I CAN do it. I just have to figure out how!