Tags
Anxiety, Can you feel me?, Depression, just whats in my head, never stop reaching out ad helping others when you can, Not directed to anyone specific, Say It Out Loud, Thoughts coming out in words like a song with no music
I have pain! Pain in my hands from working them hard Pain in my heart from not living up to my expectations. Pain in my bank account from not making enough or spending too much Pain in my soul for letting people down, and for not being good enough Pain for making mistakes, and not being perfect You see, my pain is heavy You might not think so all pain is heavy There is so much more to pain than just pain The words you used, the WAY you said them, was hurtful to me Even when I know that you are just trying to help and not hurt me I still get hurt deep down it always hurts, That pain is heavy Yes, I know, Don't take things personal But my heart takes everything personal That is how I can be so good at what I do. Everything is personal. I do for others what I would want others to do for me. Just that is heavy What you say, you mean that right? Oh, you were just kind of meaning it? When you say you can't do better, so I have to instead, Then I try to, because I want to please you, I want to help you when you cannot help yourself Again THAT is too heavy! A load I should not try to carry. No one should But I try to and it is heavy. I never want you to see me do anything wrong I don't like messing up, I try hard to do it right And more than right I try to do it your way so that you see that I tried Deep in my soul I know I did it right, even when you don't think so But I can't convince myself that I am okay when you tell me to do it differently When you say I didn't get it right That's what I take personal, that makes it heavy. I know deep in my soul that I am amazing But I cannot convince my head of that! Because I am not perfect And you remind me of that so often. I know you say you do not expect perfection You say you are just trying to better me trying to help All I hear is your correction and feel that I did it wrong So therefore I am wrong Wrong is bad My efforts have failed! Even when I look at the part that did not fail Overall I failed. Because I let you down on that small detail but it obviously is not that small to you I am either perfect or I am wrong When I am wrong, I am a failure. That is what your black and white world creates in me. Failure! Oh yes I try, I try so hard I believe that I (everyone) can always be better and yes, we always need to strive for that, BUT, I believe there is a balance and that most of the time we are all perfect! I believe I am better than I think I am I believe that you think I am better than what I think you think of me But I can't get my head to think so Is this anxiety? Is this Fear? Is this my ADD? This is my reality EVERYDAY I struggle with this everyday! Everytime I forget something Everytime I don't do it right Everytime I have pain and have to modify because of it I struggle everyday I am sensitive, But that is what makes me nice, kind and loving. It is what makes me congratulate a good hit even when it was an out Because it was a good effort. It is what makes me give a hug on a High Silver and say it was beautiful Because it was beautiful. I just wish I could believe it in my own case in my own mind I will be the one who is that voice for those who need it Especially because I don't have that voice on the outside I want those perfect things I want to be someone who can be perfect I want to expect to win and actually win I want my effort that is more than the girl next to me to win But that is not my life Life is real, it is not fair, and effort does not ALWAYS count I wish it did. One thing is for sure though, even if effort doesn't count Effort is all you have, and all you can effect You can't change your talent (at least not in the moment), you can't change the guy next to you or teams around you You can work hard, try hard and accept that was your best Even when it is not perfect Even when it doesn't win Maybe one day I will get those perfect rewards Maybe one day I will believe I am perfect Maybe one day someone else will too. In the mean time I will work On letting my soul tell my heart to convince my brain That I am perfectly me, When no one else says so Because I am good enough and worthy of being loved by myself! #Recommit2016
Today we lost an entertainment icon, Prince. My first favorite song as a kid was his song “Purple Rain” My parents were never hip to Top 40 or popular music. I tribute that to them being older when I came along. When I heard the news today I got a little teary eyed. As I grew up I went through every stage of Prince and The Artist Formerly Known As, the symbol, the Superbowl and the list goes on. I think his Superbowl performance in the rain at Superbowl 41 may have been the best ever!
It has been super busy these last few days. Today I was hanging with the moms and had a good time just hanging out and learning about each other. We have a nice relationship all the moms. Even including the dance teachers. I think sometimes we are a bit too casual but the comraderie is nice. . We started out getting the kids to classes by 7:00 mom trip to Starbucks then run errands for different moms and then we met the kiddos for dinner, then we went out to lunch, just the grown ups. Then back for competition. One mom and I went to watch a Baseball game and ran into our sons and my husband! The Girl was so happy that Daddy got to come watch at least one dance today!
