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I have pain!
Pain in my hands from working them hard
Pain in my heart from not living up to my expectations.
Pain in my bank account from not making enough or spending too much
Pain in my soul for letting people down, and for not being good enough
Pain for making mistakes,  and not being perfect

You see, my pain is heavy
You might not think so all pain is heavy
There is so much more to pain than just pain
The words you used, the WAY you said them, was hurtful to me
Even when I know that you are just trying to help and not hurt me
I still get hurt deep down it always hurts, 
That pain is heavy

Yes, I know,
Don't take things personal
But my heart takes everything personal
That is how I can be so good at what I do.
Everything is personal. 
I do for others what I would want others to do for me.
Just that is heavy

What you say, you mean that right? Oh, you were just kind of meaning it?
When you say you can't do better, so I have to instead, 
Then I try to, because I want to please you,
I want to help you when you cannot help yourself
Again THAT is too heavy! A load I should not try to carry. No one should
But I try to and it is heavy.

I never want you to see me do anything wrong
I don't like messing up, I try hard to do it right
And more than right I try to do it your way 
so that you see that I tried
Deep in my soul I know I did it right, even when you don't think so
But I can't convince myself that I am okay when you tell me to do it differently
When you say I didn't get it right
That's what I take personal, that makes it heavy.

I know deep in my soul that I am amazing
But I cannot convince my head of that!
Because I am not perfect
And you remind me of that so often.
I know you say you do not expect perfection
You say you are just trying to better me
trying to help
All I hear is your correction and feel that I did it wrong 
So therefore I am wrong
Wrong is bad
My efforts have failed! 
Even when I look at the part that did not fail 
Overall I failed.
Because I let you down on that small detail 
but it obviously is not that small to you
I am either perfect or I am wrong
When I am wrong, I am a failure.

That is what your black and white world creates in me.
Failure!
Oh yes I try, I try so hard
I believe that I (everyone) can always be better 
and yes, we always need to strive for that, BUT,
I believe there is a balance and that most of the time we are all perfect!
I believe I am better than I think I am
I believe that you think I am better than what I think you think of me
But I can't get my head to think so

Is this anxiety?
Is this Fear?
Is this my ADD?
This is my reality EVERYDAY
I struggle with this everyday! 
Everytime I forget something
Everytime I don't do it right
Everytime I have pain and have to modify because of it
I struggle everyday
I am sensitive, But that is what makes me nice, kind and loving.
It is what makes me congratulate a good hit even when it was an out
Because it was a good effort.
It is what makes me give a hug on a High Silver and say it was beautiful
Because it was beautiful.
I just wish I could believe it in my own case in my own mind
I will be the one who is that voice for those who need it
Especially because I don't have that voice on the outside

I want those perfect things 
I want to be someone who can be perfect
I want to expect to win and actually win
I want my effort that is more than the girl next to me to win
But that is not my life
Life is real, it is not fair, and effort does not ALWAYS count
I wish it did.
One thing is for sure though, even if effort doesn't count
Effort is all you have, and all you can effect
You can't change your talent (at least not in the moment), 
you can't change the guy next to you or teams around you
You can work hard, try hard and accept that was your best
Even when it is not perfect
Even when it doesn't win

Maybe one day I will get those perfect rewards
Maybe one day I will believe I am perfect
Maybe one day someone else will too.
In the mean time I will work
On letting my soul tell my heart to convince my brain
That I am perfectly me,
When no one else says so

Because I am good enough and worthy of being loved by myself!

#Recommit2016

 

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