It is the day after my birthday, the hubs came down sick yesterday on my birthday and even stayed home sick today. I hate to admit it and feel bad but this time I got super irritated about it. I mean can’t I just have a special day. I know he didn’t do it on purpose and I normally don’t respond like that.
I feel and I know I sound super selfish. My birthday is never made a big deal about by the Hubs. I learned at 22 that if I want to have a party I have to plan it myself or have a girlfriend do it. At 22 I said to the Hubs, “I don’t care what we do. I want to hang out with our friends and I don’t want to plan it.” The day before, I believe my birthday that year was even on a Friday, he finally called everyone and invited them to get together and hang out. Everyone was busy already so no birthday party for me. So, since then I decided well, I will make the plans myself. Which I have done.
Normally, because of that experience that year, I plan some time for myself to just do me on my birthday. But this year is different. I am a full time working mom . I had 6 appointments at the office The Girl had dance, the Boy had a baseball game, I had my dance class that I take. There was no time, I hadn’t made dinner plans nor had I been to the grocery store in a while so there wasn’t much to even cook at home. When I asked what the plan was for dinner he answered with “well do you want to run through a drive through or something?” I was appalled on my birthday he hasn’t even considered what to do for dinner so I didn’t have to worry about it?! I know I was being unfair. I did not really know how sick he was feeling he seemed fine. Then at home he basically sat down on the couch and crashed. I cleaned, vacuumed the house (so glad I did) did laundry. The Kids helped by making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I was sitting on the couch lonely onme of picking a fight but quickly backed down. He never quickly backs down. I was feeling sad, lonely, anxious. He was feeling sick. He has some digestive my birthday writing the Hump Day Challenge alone.
Tonight has been similar but it is not my birthday. My husband does not get sick much and it usually takes a lot to get him to not go to work and not want to spend time with me or not want to even have sex. So then I go into crazy head mode. Why doesn’t he want me. Why isn’t he thinking of me? Why doesn’t he understand that all he had to do was not make me make the dinner plan on my birthday. It only takes something small to impress me but it takes something. Is he talking to someone else? Does he not want me anymore? Am I too high maintenance because I want some special treatment or consideration when it’s my birthday?
All of those things are my anxiety and what I call Crazy Head Ruby. I am pretty sure I have written about it before. These are the things that women (I am sure men do it too but I would guess many don’t admit it) think when they don’t know what is going on and there is someone acting different. (I do this with my friends too it is not exclusive to the Hubs). It’s anxiety. I wish I could shake it. I tried breathing but I cried over it this morning. We got in a little argument but settled pretty quickly. Is the Hubs learning to get me better and sooner or is he just not caring about me enough to fight? He did accuse stuff going on it comes in waves so he feels fine and then all of a sudden gets the sweats and has to run to the bathroom. Which is why it is so hard for me to know that he was sick.
Bottom line, self care and communication. He should communicate better with me how he is feeling. I want more of a connection with him, like when he decides to stay late after practice with the Boy throwing the ball around vs having to call to make sure they didn’t crash in a ditch somewhere. I want him to understand me I am needy. It sucks sometimes how needy I am, it is what it is! Finally I need to take care of me. I know I am needy. In the future maybe I should just block out my schedule on my birthday so I can do something for myself. A long run, pedicure of get my own massage. That way when the Hubs forgets to even get a card, cake or flowers or make a dinner plan, I can be satisfied that I did have a good birthday, not just another normal day and not affected as much.
I hate crazy head days. One of these days I will figure out how to conquer them. As for now, I will go try to enjoy this alone time by going to bed early-ish. I have a date with my running shoes in the morning (did I mention my running buddy is also sick, yeah, she is so hence the loneliness). Good night all. Take care of you. Make your plans for you and don’t expect others to read your mind. The majority of this frustration is my expectations of the Hubs that are unrealistic and frankly unfair so I have to do better at taking care of me.