I am constantly second guessing everything. Did I say the wrong thing? Did they take that the right way? If someone is mad is me what did I do could I have done anything differently? When my kids get in a bond what should I have done to prevent it?

It is never ending in my head. I know, I know never have regrets never second guess but that too, is just in my head and it doesn’t stop it from happening.

I ran into someone from my past today. They didn’t speak to me. Did I handle our last moments together wrong? Should I have said something else when they said they needed to not talk to me? Or should I have said what I was feeling in the “don’t leave me alone in this” moment. Has not enough time past or did I do something wrong?

Why do I care? Because in that moment in my life I lost a lot of my life. I lost what I thought were true friends. And that moment put me in a horrible place in my life. It was really out of no control over the situation, nit something I did or said wrong. But…. really? Was I completely innocent? All the second guessing I do. If I would have said this or not said that if I would have done this or not that… All that does is just causes pain and resurfaces grief I was just starting to move on from and get over. Is my friend okay? Is my friend still suffering? Or doing better? I thought maybe enough time had past to have that conversation, but no.

I’m not going back there, but why can’t I have self confidence and love myself and know I always do my best. I really do. I put my best out there all the time, for everyone else. I suck at doing what is best for me and speaking up for me! Because I’m too worried about offending or hurting someone else feelings, or breaking rules. Why do I fucking care. It’s obvious they didn’t care for me.

Now I know my friend. This person did what this person needed to do for themself. This person is unlike me they know exactly how to take care of him/herself. I am not always so sure. I wish I could learn that. Funny thing is right before the end of our friendship said person was trying to teach me that in a very good friend way just that lesson. I miss that friend. I miss that role in my life to learn that lesson.. I needed that then and I still do now…

Anyway this is all part of what? Where does it come from? Does it matter if I know? Is it my low self esteem or maybe anxiety? Getting the thoughts out help and if you are that person (the person like me), hear this: You did good enough. You did your best. It’s not your fault. Maybe in my situation I could have asked for more help instead I let my friend get what my friend needed. I needed more strength and I couldn’t get that from anyone else anyway. Everyone has their own story, it is not because of you that they are mad or sad or even that they don’t speak to you. Be there as a shoulder, not to fix it or them. There is no solution, just be there.

#justbethere

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