Category Archives: Do You

To drug or not to drug….

11 Sunday Jun 2017

Posted by in Be You, Do You, Don't judge me, Kids, Live in the Moment, Mom Stuff, Parenting, Working Mom

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This video (click to view link) hits home for me! So much shame in my life not as a child but as an adult, I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD! I  feel, I made it through as a child because I am a people pleaser so being a good student and approval from teachers when I did well is what drove me and made me succeed. Thank goodness I am pretty smart and Thank goodness I had great teachers and parents who gave me that approval!!

ADDSince being diagnosed, I have not found a medication that works for me. I kind of have something against taking medication. I don’t really know what, but I just don’t want to admit to myself and everyone else that I have to take medication to be normal! I also think I don’t want to admit there is a normal and that I’m not normal! I kind of hate that word “normal” it is what most “normal” people think is normal and if you have ADD, it is not “normal” for your brain to function as a “normal” person’s brain functions. Your brain does not decipher a hierarchy of things that are important or stay focused on the task at hand or manage time well. A person with ADD has to remind their mind what the task at hand is. We, ADD folks are great at living in the moment! I am a great forgiver! I forgive a lot of times when I probably shouldn’t. I think of something that would be a great idea and I jump on it! If I have time (or if I perceive I have time or if it is really important or interesting or something that I perceive as pressing) I get on it right away, I don’t want to forget about it. Forgetfulness is a big part of ADD. A lot of people see it as a kid who can’t sit still or walk, they always run….it is so much more than that! Do I want my brain to function like “normal”? Won’t that change me? As much as I “hate” myself and they way my brain works, I don’t want “me” to change. See my dilemma?…

I have self medicated with food and sometimes alcohol and thank goodness I have stayed away from illegal drugs, credit to the DARE program for that! But taking the stigma off of “drugs” proven to help ADHD’ers would definitely change my world of shame… So much shame in my life. My son is just like me, forgetful, figgidity, and impulsive….. Not driven as much by people pleasing but then again his dad and I are tough on him so he doesn’t get the praise as much as I did, and he is just like his dad, he is confident almost a little arrogant. He is more solid in what he likes and who he is. It’s not as important to him to impress people the way it was (and still is) to me. I worry about my son turning into me or worse than me. I have a husband who keeps me straight. He pays the bills, I would struggle remembering those things. Will my son be able to do those things that are important. Will my son remember to turn in his homework?… does he need medication? Do I? Will it help? How can I tell? I should get my shit together first before diagnosing or assuming anything about him. ADD is genetic as much as the color of your eyes, of course one of the kids has it but what to do???

So many questions all I know is that, this video hit home. Lot’s of things in my life right now are up in the air and there are a lot of questions in my not so distant future. Lot’s of decisions that can alter my life’s direction. ADD is a big deal to me, it is a big frustration in our lives. Actually our lives are complicated, every parents life is complicated, ADD makes it more difficult. Medication is not for everyone, acceptance is. I have neither for myself and here I am without a mom to drive me to a psychologist like the girl in the video I am an adult now trying to navigate and wanting so badly a mommy to tell me what the right direction is and take me there! I was not diagnosed as having ADD as a 6 year old but right now I feel like it has reduced me to a 6 year old, in that I don’t know what to do, and I can’t function but please don’t treat me like a child!!!

If this is a little disjointed, think of it as a taste of how an ADD brain works…very disjointed distracted and impulsive…..lacking direction sometimes…..wanting so badly to get noticed and get my point across and be understood but lacking the brain function and organization to do so…. and add to that, trying to do it in a short amount of time because of course I didn’t give myself enough time, it was an impulsive moment that I had something to say!

#ADDbrain

Live Stop Worrying

27 Monday Mar 2017

Posted by in Be Present, Be You, Do You, Don't judge me, Family, Love, Uncategorized

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worryingHello followers, let me start by saying. I am struggling.  Acutely today I have so much on my mind, so much that has happened, so much I want to accomplish and so much to write and share (because I haven’t written much lately)  and also some to keep private and not write about (we all know that is hard for me not to over share) and since I haven’t been blogging much this may be a little disjointed, I mean, more than normal. I was asked the other day to remove my filter…they obviously don’t read my blog or maybe they do because they know it’s possible for me to do so. But yes, in real life I have this filter. Call it a mask of sometime professionalism, sometimes shyness, just a filter that I don’t say everything I am afraid to be judged or I want to make sure I am being appropriate…I don’t really know why. So hear goes sans filter Ruby is going to spill and hopefully today organize my thoughts and life and get back on track where I want to be. And for you I hope you can be inspired by my thoughts either by realizing you are not as messed as me or by realizing you are not alone out there.

Why the fuck is it so hard to just live? I want to do so much but for some reason I am so tired. I get going and then my energy fizzles out. Today I wanted to get in a run, do some admin business stuff, some billing and returning phone calls, also wanted to clean and organize at the house catch up with laundry. This morning was a great breakfast. I was able to get the kids lunches made, then I made them breakfast. I made eggs, English muffin toast, strawberries and smoothies for the kids. The boy we struggle with eating and he ate his whole breakfast today. I was on a roll. Then they both got to school and I got home and had to do some computer stuff. Then it was almost 10:00 and I had to decide what to do…go for a run, or get ready and get to a business networking thing at 11:30 or do something else like clean or write in my blog…

Why the fuck can’t I just make the right choice for myself? Why don’t I do what I want to do to get me closer to where I want to be. I want to be a great mom that takes care of her family by cooking and cleaning and having a relaxed calm home environment. I also want to have a successful business and sometimes that means making sacrifices at home but I hate choosing which has to sacrifice. Balance is just not always an option!! But it has to be! We need balance to be healthy! Everyone does! Sometimes I feel like I am getting it and then the next day shit hits the fan and I am feeling fucked and not in a good way! I just want to figure life out why this fuck is it so hard?!

And why is it that when I feel like I have things under control the bottom drops out? So even when things are good, really things are pretty goo right now. Business is doing alright, life is good the Hubs and I are getting along and happy but this is how I felt in December when my life got turned upside down! I was getting in the groove of working the business, The Hubs and I were happy. I had some great (I thought) friends in my life all was well. Then the bottom dropped out. I am kind of waiting for that to happen right now. Life has really felt like it has slowed down. You know the way that commentators talk about the game slowing down for rookies in the NFL. Nothing changes they just get used to seeing the speed of the NFL vs College etc. Life has really felt like it’s slowed down and we are in the midst of competition and tournament season! What horrible thing is about to happen or has already happened that I am about to find out? Why the fuck do I have to think this way? Why can’t I relax and enjoy life? Why can’t I remove the filter? What am I afraid of?

PLAN: Here is my plan what I want anyway. I want to write more, exercise more, enjoy the moments I have with my family and have moments with myself and one on one time with the Hubs, and be successful in business so I can help my family do everything and have everything we want. Just that sentence brings tears to my eyes because it feels like so much and I am sad I have to say it out loud, how did I let myself get here away from these things? I should plan time for everything. Time for writing and exercising in my schedule and push myself to follow it. Get my house cleaned up and organized and then take time to keep it that way and having the business I may need to hire a housecleaner to help keep up on the house thing. I need a better plan and more than just giving myself grace I need to trust myself when I am feeling like things are slowing down. The game really is slowing down for me! I need to accept that. It’s time to pass the ball to my trusted teammates and manage this game in a way that will most benefit the team! I need to be MVP in my life so my team can win and winning is when we are all happy and healthy and enjoying life! That is balance!

What the fuck did I just say?! I really need to stay focused and push myself to get where I want to be and I need to pass the ball to those who can advance our life when needed. I need to stop worrying about the lineman who is going to hit me from the blindside and focus on the play and execute! I have a team to support me and need to use that. But it’s my job to manage this game I can and I will rock this. I need to allow myself to live and enjoy and celebrate the good times and stop worrying!

#Live2017

Shitty 2016? Do You in 2017

30 Friday Dec 2016

Posted by in Be Present, Be You, Do You, Love, Marriage, Marriage is hard, Marriage is work

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Well, if you have been reading my blog this month you probably have been wanting more. You probably have figured out that I am having a rough month. To top it off, yesterday, actually the day before yesterday, after a full day at work my neck started bothering me. It is a C2 type feeling pain. I have regular chiropractic adjustments, C2 is my headache spot and it was feeling out of alignment. By yesterday morning I was in excruciating pain. I don’t normally cancel work or ask friends for favors but I had to do both. I canceled all 4 of my massages (which all happened to be PIP claims) and then I called my Chiropractor who is off this week and he had me come to his house to work on me. My massage therapist coworker (who is actually the boss lady at my office) offered to work on me as well she was going to add me to her already booked schedule. I am laid up today as well. I was trembling in pain last night. I went to bed at 8 and didn’t get up until 8 this morning. Since I have got out of bed is has gotten worse. That whole gravity thing is weighing down on me. I am frustrated that I have to take it easy. I am angry that the end of December and the end of 2017 ends on a negative note.

This has been a rough month. The Hubs and I have been through the wringer. A bad event happened the beginning of the month. We have been dealing with it ever since. I have struggle with the idea of sticking it out. I wanted to just leave my marriage my family and my life and go it alone. This life is too short to live unhappy. If shitty things are going to keep happening then why stay in this relationship. We fight like cats and dogs. There is yelling and threats and insults and all of this happens, sometimes, in front of the kids. They have been changed by the way they have seen their parents argue! It makes me sad and ashamed. I am ashamed of myself for putting up with it, for perpetuating it and not doing anything to change it, or at least not enough. But what can I do? Leave my husband? end the marriage? give my kids two addresses? One of which would be in poverty because I am too busy being a mom than to make money. Anyway I have decided to stick it out. I can’t bring my self to leave. There is a part of me that wants to and a part of me that wants the happily ever after with my high school sweetheart. I also am not ready to dismantle my family. I also took my “till death do us part” and “for better or worse” vows very seriously. I know there are a lot of people saying “there is a better way” but I don’t know if I want that way. Nor do I know if I am ready to move away from the good stuff that we do have.

2016 has been rough… actually December of 2016 has been rough. With all that has been going on in my life I have been comforting myself with food. Eating my feelings! I have been through a tragic event in my marriage, lost my only friend who I could talk to about it and now I have an injury that has sidelined me from work, exercise and life in general. I have had a shitty month. I have been eating my feelings. I have talked to some friends but don’t want to talk about it much. Especially since a lot the advice I have gotten has been “things can be better, you can do it all alone. Don’t worry about the money. You’re stillcircumstances-make-me young you have a lot of life in front of you.” I hate all of that advice. I am not as strong as those people think I am. Those people mostly have been divorced or never married or are single. Some are more happy than they were in their first marriage too… But, I can’t do it. I want my marriage to work I want to be happy. I don’t know if either is possible but I can’t not try. I start counseling again on Monday. I (we) have decided to work this relationship. I will John Gottman the shit out of this and make it work if it kills me…and it might. I also know I need to stop sulking and live my life and watch what I eat. I have eaten my feelings to the tone of 8.7 pounds since this started.

I started this  blog in 2015 (well end of 2014) to prove that sex, love and washing clothes can save a relationship. I am going to put this into practice in 2017. It is more than just the actions of having sex and cleaning house it takes that middle word, love. I honestly believe LOVE can change the world. Love is something you have to choose. It does not choose you. You choose love. I am choosing love, I am choosing to live this life that I have and love it. All the shitty circumstances are just that, Shitty!!! I refuse to let them slow me down and make me sad anymore. It sucks but you know what, you have shitty things you have lived with, don’t you? Well, maybe you haven’t. Maybe you have moved on and maybe you are happy to not have that in your face everyday. I have never chosen the easy path, I have chosen that hard path and right now honestly either path is not an easy path for me. Is there ever an easy path? I want my family to thrive. I see some counseling not only in my future but also in my families future. I know we are going to need professional help to get through this but we will come out stronger and better than ever. In a year we will be in a different place, I look forward to seeing what that means in my life!

There is a lot of work to be done here. Please don’t judge me or my family or anyone else. We all have our own battles to face and we will make some good choices and some that could have been better. Do you make the choices for you or for what people will say about you…do it for you! I am doing it for me! Do you in 2017 I am going to do ME!

#Future2016

 

Sex for Stress

13 Tuesday Sep 2016

Posted by in Be You, Dance, Do You, Do Your Thing, Family, Uncategorized

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Hello friends. I have missed you. I miss blogging everyday! I miss sharing my stories with you. I was on the way to a Seahawks game yesterday and looked at my phone and thought of blogging but, I knew my hands would really act up and be painful if I blogged from my phone. The kids have started school. The girl said her first day was “terrible”. The boy’s first Pee Wee game was this weekend. He played amazing but the team still lost. There are so many things I want to share about every single one of these adventures but time is not on my side. Blogging is almost like a full time job or at least should be. I makes me think that maybe I need to plan my posts out better. I miss having time to blog. I also miss having sex with the hubs everyday! I miss Sex Love and Washing Clothes!!!

I love everything I am doing in my life. I love my life. The Hubs and I have had a few struggles a few weeks ago, but have got past it. Starting a new business has created a lot of stress in this household as it would in any household. Stress like that tends to cause the Hubs and I to argue a little more. More sex helps us in the arguing department so we have really (or at least I have) focused on having more sex. I know it sounds like avoiding problems but really it is coping with stress. So that has been a lot of what we do in our spare time. Which is what makes it tough right now for the Hubs to be gone for a week, he is at training for work! Boo!!!!

One more adventure that I have been working on is I am the new Drill Team Advisor at my daughter’s junior high. She has never been much interested in Drill Team but I was in Drill Team as a Jr High and High school student. It made a big impact in my life and would not want these girls to miss the opportunity and the chance to influence women of our future to get a better start being better women than we have before. Women need to be taught at a young age how to support each other and not compete with each other. We as a Drill Team are sisters and what we need to focus on is to lift up and support each other! I hope I can help the girls start a good solid life of good lady support for each other!

I need to go choreograph a tryout routine, wash dishes, do laundry and maybe even sleep. (No fucking the Hubs in gone, sadface)

#Sexforstress2016

 

It Takes Effort and Hard Work

06 Saturday Aug 2016

Posted by in Baseball, Business, Do You, Just Do It

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This week was a busy week. Between trying to get settled in my new office and first week of football, it was crazy. A little bit too much going on but really in all honesty I thrive on that! My ADD brain loves to be busy and live in chaos! I am going to try to get better at writing everyday even if it’s short. To just write a lesson learned, or a fun exciting thing that happened, or something inspirational. That’s my challenge for myself to you, my readers.

Today we are going to the Mariners game. We are going to the game. The game that is going to honor the best, if not one of the best, baseball players ever. Ken Griffey Jr. His number will be retired today! I have always loved this guy. His drive, his focus, his determination is or was phenomenal. I only hope that a small percentage of all of “that” that he has my kids will have one day. He is also very humble about his career. He will tell you he was that good because of the work he put in, it was a huge sacrifice he made, with huge pay off. He made it look easy because of his hard work. I am sure it was far from easy. Success in any venue takes dedication, work, perseverance, sacrifice and most of all desire to be better, or even desire to be the best, along with, at least a shred of, talent. You cannot be that successfull or that good without all of those things then add to it an amazing support team, great teammates and some luck and you have a Hall of Fame career. I am pretty sure Hall of Famers don’t try to be in the Hall of Fame. They try to be the best they can be everyday. Every. Single. Day! It takes all of “that” and maybe even more. 

So I say to you, moms, dads, workers, husbands, wives, and athletes, what are you doing today to be great? It takes 100% everyday, even your off days. Even when you don’t feel good, or your wife is being a bitch, in order for you to be a Hall of fame husband, you have to be good even then. That’s what makes most of us not Hall of Famers, we make excuses of circumstances and blame others for our actions. But that is what we can do to change the outcome. Put in the work, everyday! Even when your team sucks, even when you hate your coach or hate your boss or the client you are working with is doing everything he can to torpedo your efforts. DO YOUR BEST. ALL. THE. TIME. 

Will you be voted in the Hall of Fame. Maybe not, there are 3 people who didn’t vote for Griffey Jr and he is the best ever! HOF is court of public  opinion, but are your efforts everyday getting you closer? You are in control of just that, your effort! Put in Hall of Fame effort it, may look easy but making things look easy…is the opposite of easy!

#Effort2016

7 Day Challenge

23 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Do You, Everyday, Marriage is hard, Marriage is work, Sex Love and Washing Clothes

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Happy Thursday. Today I had a one to one meeting with someone in my BNI group. I try to meet with someone in my group at least once a week. I am trying to get to know everyone in my group. This week during this one to one I realized we had more in common in our person life journeys that have got us where we are in life and business. A few years ago right around when I turned 30 I went through a shift in my thinking. You have all read the shift in my thinking that I am speaking of. You see I grew up very prudish, very sheltered and not know how to make decisions for myself. I grew up in a church that taught me what was right and wrong according to their interpretation of the bible. I still struggle with the ideas of what is right and what is wrong. It is hard for me to figure it out sometimes. This person I met with has recently gone through a change in the same way. He and I compared stories of what we were thinking and what lead us to this change. I read a book called “Dance of the Dissident Daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd and that lead me to start exploring my religion and spirituality.

I believe that we all need to focus on what is right in our lives. You live your life not your parents or teachers or leaders of your chosen groups. No teacher, church, race or religion of any kind have the authority over you. You can decide what you believe and what is right. You are a grown ass woman or man and you don’t have to please anyone. When I was younger I was always trying to be a people pleaser. Always wanted to do what is right and checking from one self help book to another only to find out that they all contradict each other. By the time I turned 30 my new life moto became: Fuck It! I have nothing to prove to no one except myself! MYSELF! The same is true for you! You have no one except yourself to make happy and be content with. Hopefully your spouse is already happy with you, hopefully they won’t require you to be someone you are not! But my point is do what is right for you! If you do what is right and you treat other people the way you want to be treated then you will be fine. You just have to keep in mind that if you go from being a people pleaser to being a healthy strong person, others around you may start to get a little uneasy, if they were controlling you….

My favorite subject from our talks today was sex, I know very business like but, don’t judge! Many people have a predetermined set of rules in regards to sex. Most of us who were raised in a church tend to shy away from or and are scared of sex. Many religions teach that sex is “good” but only at certain times and certain ways. Sex has liberated my marriage. Sex is the reason my husband and I are still married. God made our bodies the way they are and I believe he wants us to feel pleasure, and sexual pleasure should not be excluded. You all know that I have said that there are no rules. If it feels good to you and your partner by all means do that as much as you two want to. If everything is consensual and all parties are on the same page why the hell not?!

The Hubs and I have had a rough few days. We have been arguing about petty stuff, we are really overwhelmed. Today I wrote him a text that said “let’s start over. Let’s start with having sex everyday for the next 7 days.” He responded with “that’s a good start” Having sex everyday bonds two people together in a connection when you do it with the intention. It’s a powerful connection! I do believe that you can have sex that is not about connection as well. I don’t think that is bad I just believe that sex between two committed loving people is so powerful for a relationship. Sex for just the physical aspect of sex can be really refreshing and good for your individual soul as well. Regardless, sex is good and I am a strong advocate of it!

So this is what I am saying. If you are in a committed relationship, use sex to strengthen it! I do not believe you can build a relationship on sex but I do believe you can keep one together with sex! (But who knows, maybe you can, just see what happens.) I say that because good sex is the only reason mine is still together and we are still strong in our marriage because of good sex. It takes work to be married. It takes connection and what better way to get connected. So go and save your relationship start with my mini challenge of sex everyday for the next 7 days!! And forget the judgmental words from people from past lives and prudish individuals or social standards. You have control in this life of yours. Do what’s right for you. It may be different than what is right for me or someone else. Just do YOU!

#Recomitt2016

 

Reminiscing

12 Sunday Jun 2016

Posted by in Be Present, Be You, Do You, Do Your Thing, Live life, Love

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The Girl danced in her 10th spring recital this weekend. The boy’s baseball team took 2nd in their tournament this weekend and at the end of this previous week we celebrated 16 years living in our home that we puchased and 18 years of the Hubs working in the elevator industry. But, we are the young couple who met in Washington State History class in high school.

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Life goes quick. It is too fast to not live it to the fullest and to short stay in a spot that you are unhappy! It is too short to worry what other people think! Not enough time to hold back and not try new things. Too short to follow certain rules that some older person set out for you! Stop worrying what other people think. If it feels good, do it. If it makes you smile, it’s okay. If you need that stimulation go ahead and get it. Do what makes you tick. Fuck them all who will judge you!

Do you. Be you. Love who you are. Know what you love. Do what you love. Do what makes you happy. If someone tells you THAT is wrong, fuck them too! Be happy, be content! Don’t put yourself down. Do your best always. If your best comes up short, honor your effort and keep trying!

No one can do you better than you!

#Recommit2016

My Little Dancer is not So Little Anymore

10 Friday Jun 2016

Posted by in Be You, Dance, Dance Like No One is Watching, Do You, Love, Mom Stuff

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Today is Dress rehearsal day! The Girl has one dance her ballet dance that they dance with scarves. Her first ever dance onstage was 10 years ago and they danced with scarves it was really reminiscent. I love watching her dance. I thought I saw something special in her that day on stage, but every parent sees something special in their kids on stage at that age!

All I wanted for her was to enjoy it and let it be her fun and her outlet and let her enjoy it! All I wanted was to find what made her heart smile! I think it does, she loves to dance but sometimes dance gets overwhelming and filled with drama and she gets a diva attitude! But onstage she release that energy that captivates me! That captivates her. She is a star! She is my shining star! I don’t know if there really is something special about her, more than being my daughter and a good dancer but I don’t care. There is something special about her. I love to see it I love to watch her dance!

I can’t wait to see where she goes in life she will go far! Maybe on a stage maybe in a classroom but I am thankful for dance giving her the confidence to be great and know when she is great. And for giving her the outlet that she needs to express herself, release frustrations of the drama of being a girl and a great dancer in a pool of good dancers.

I just love watching her dance. I hate seeing some of the logistical things hold her back. I want her to unleash her passion for dance (or whatever outlet she chooses) I want to see when that girl opens up and stops caring what people think about her, I want to see that how amazing will that be. She is one judgemental insecure friend away from that! I wish she could shut to voices out of her brain. She is amazing come watch her dance and you will see. I could not be more proud of who she is and what she can achieve. I just pray for road blocks to be removed from her journey to greatness and that she overcomes the struggle!

I love my Girl!

#Recommit2016

Date Night Always Makes it Better

07 Tuesday Jun 2016

Posted by in Baseball, Be You, Do You, Marriage, Marriage is hard, Marriage is work, Sex, Sex Love and Washing Clothes

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Well recently emotionally I have been in a funk! I don’t know what it is but I have been sensitive lately. I cried for two hours yesterday. Maybe my psyche is just getting adjusted to my new lifestyle of working out regularly. Maybe I am missing the extra time in bed with the Hubs. Maybe I am just fucking crazy! I am leaning towards the latter.

I have been feeling lonely and under appreciated by the Hubs, but he has been sick. So I should give him a little slack and not take it so personal when he is tired and crashes right when we go to bed, before we have sex. He has been home mostly resting for the better part of the last week. I am just being a bit sensitive. I feel irritated with myself by that, but I do like to tell him how I feel. When I do we chat about it. Usually starts with a little yelling match and then ends with a solid conversation of him saying he does love me and want to be with me and me saying sorry for being so stupid and over sensitive! But the food thing is that we are not arguing forever like we would have a couple years ago. I still would like him to be able to be a little more understanding or empathetic but we are making progress.

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Today was a better day. I didn’t have time for crazy head today. I had a busy day and then watched the boy in a scrimmage with his tournament baseball team. He pitched today, which is new for him. He did pretty well. He struck out two batters, buy his team behind him could get outs. The Boy there two innings, face 29 batters only walked 2, but 3 better got hit by pitch, so many errors they score like 20 runs on him. But he threw strikes! It was a good start!

Now the Hubs and I are headed out to date night. It would be nice if we could start a but earlier. We are committed to date night so we always go, we just wish we do something other than just eat and drink. We thought of going for a ferry ride but there is no ferry until 11:30 or so. For today our creativity is taking us to the next town over for some food and drinks. I love date night…gotta go participate!

#Recommit2016