This video (click to view link) hits home for me! So much shame in my life not as a child but as an adult, I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD! I feel, I made it through as a child because I am a people pleaser so being a good student and approval from teachers when I did well is what drove me and made me succeed. Thank goodness I am pretty smart and Thank goodness I had great teachers and parents who gave me that approval!!
Since being diagnosed, I have not found a medication that works for me. I kind of have something against taking medication. I don’t really know what, but I just don’t want to admit to myself and everyone else that I have to take medication to be normal! I also think I don’t want to admit there is a normal and that I’m not normal! I kind of hate that word “normal” it is what most “normal” people think is normal and if you have ADD, it is not “normal” for your brain to function as a “normal” person’s brain functions. Your brain does not decipher a hierarchy of things that are important or stay focused on the task at hand or manage time well. A person with ADD has to remind their mind what the task at hand is. We, ADD folks are great at living in the moment! I am a great forgiver! I forgive a lot of times when I probably shouldn’t. I think of something that would be a great idea and I jump on it! If I have time (or if I perceive I have time or if it is really important or interesting or something that I perceive as pressing) I get on it right away, I don’t want to forget about it. Forgetfulness is a big part of ADD. A lot of people see it as a kid who can’t sit still or walk, they always run….it is so much more than that! Do I want my brain to function like “normal”? Won’t that change me? As much as I “hate” myself and they way my brain works, I don’t want “me” to change. See my dilemma?…
I have self medicated with food and sometimes alcohol and thank goodness I have stayed away from illegal drugs, credit to the DARE program for that! But taking the stigma off of “drugs” proven to help ADHD’ers would definitely change my world of shame… So much shame in my life. My son is just like me, forgetful, figgidity, and impulsive….. Not driven as much by people pleasing but then again his dad and I are tough on him so he doesn’t get the praise as much as I did, and he is just like his dad, he is confident almost a little arrogant. He is more solid in what he likes and who he is. It’s not as important to him to impress people the way it was (and still is) to me. I worry about my son turning into me or worse than me. I have a husband who keeps me straight. He pays the bills, I would struggle remembering those things. Will my son be able to do those things that are important. Will my son remember to turn in his homework?… does he need medication? Do I? Will it help? How can I tell? I should get my shit together first before diagnosing or assuming anything about him. ADD is genetic as much as the color of your eyes, of course one of the kids has it but what to do???
So many questions all I know is that, this video hit home. Lot’s of things in my life right now are up in the air and there are a lot of questions in my not so distant future. Lot’s of decisions that can alter my life’s direction. ADD is a big deal to me, it is a big frustration in our lives. Actually our lives are complicated, every parents life is complicated, ADD makes it more difficult. Medication is not for everyone, acceptance is. I have neither for myself and here I am without a mom to drive me to a psychologist like the girl in the video I am an adult now trying to navigate and wanting so badly a mommy to tell me what the right direction is and take me there! I was not diagnosed as having ADD as a 6 year old but right now I feel like it has reduced me to a 6 year old, in that I don’t know what to do, and I can’t function but please don’t treat me like a child!!!
If this is a little disjointed, think of it as a taste of how an ADD brain works…very disjointed distracted and impulsive…..lacking direction sometimes…..wanting so badly to get noticed and get my point across and be understood but lacking the brain function and organization to do so…. and add to that, trying to do it in a short amount of time because of course I didn’t give myself enough time, it was an impulsive moment that I had something to say!
#ADDbrain
Hello followers, let me start by saying. I am struggling. Acutely today I have so much on my mind, so much that has happened, so much I want to accomplish and so much to write and share (because I haven’t written much lately) and also some to keep private and not write about (we all know that is hard for me not to over share) and since I haven’t been blogging much this may be a little disjointed, I mean, more than normal. I was asked the other day to remove my filter…they obviously don’t read my blog or maybe they do because they know it’s possible for me to do so. But yes, in real life I have this filter. Call it a mask of sometime professionalism, sometimes shyness, just a filter that I don’t say everything I am afraid to be judged or I want to make sure I am being appropriate…I don’t really know why. So hear goes sans filter Ruby is going to spill and hopefully today organize my thoughts and life and get back on track where I want to be. And for you I hope you can be inspired by my thoughts either by realizing you are not as messed as me or by realizing you are not alone out there.
I would love to feel my husband’s dick inside my pussy as I am on his lap in reverse cowgirl position. We have this chaise as part of our sectional sofa and he is sitting there now. I keep imagining myself on his lap, we could even continue watching T.V. You see I have been super distracted with my business move and getting the football season started and have spent many evenings falling asleep before anything sexy happens. Some nights the Hubs has been able to arouse me and get me going and some nights he is just too tired to put in the effort, and now, tonight the boy has a buddy over and all I want to do is jump his bones and ride him reverse cowgirl! Why the fuck do things happen like that.
I am a dreamer I believe we all deserve the best and we all are worthy but for some reason I accept less, always. Especially when it is me that is responsible for making it happen. It is so easy to stay in the now especially when things are good enough and maybe even better than most. I still sit here wanting the best, wanting more am I really capable? How can I do it? Will it really work? If not then what? Will I lose everything I have worked for so far? Probably not, but possibly. That is always possible. Am I making the best effort all the time? am I always doing my best? Am I always expecting the best or am I always accepting less? I am always accepting less, for me, I can sacrifice. As long as everyone else is happy. My best happiness does not always matter to me. I want everyone else to be happy I want them to have it easy, I will do the harder work to make you happy and hope that you will do the same for me…guess what, they don’t!
I am sitting here outside of the convention center in the sun. The Girl is doing her class auditions for scholarships right now. They always kick the parents out for that. I am sitting in a courtyard of sorts downtown along a marathon course so there are a few runners going by. I love running. I love race day! I usually do a 10k mid May at the Portland Rock and Roll, however they are not doing it this year. No #RocknRollPDX. It is sad. What is more sad is that I have not been running at all. I can’t figure out my schedule to fit in time to run! I have way too much going on, work, house work, grocery shopping hat is not getting done, dance for the girl, baseball for the boy…the list is endless but those are all Excuses!
It has been super busy these last few days. Today I was hanging with the moms and had a good time just hanging out and learning about each other. We have a nice relationship all the moms. Even including the dance teachers. I think sometimes we are a bit too casual but the comraderie is nice. . We started out getting the kids to classes by 7:00 mom trip to Starbucks then run errands for different moms and then we met the kiddos for dinner, then we went out to lunch, just the grown ups. Then back for competition. One mom and I went to watch a Baseball game and ran into our sons and my husband! The Girl was so happy that Daddy got to come watch at least one dance today!
Good news, the Hub’s feels better today. He said his back is still bothering him a bit but as the day went on he said it felt better. I hope it is nothing major, we’ll wait and see how it goes.
Ok, so it’s confession time! Yesterday’s blog was a new beginning and a recommitment and I failed! The Hubs worked late teaching and by the time he was home I was spent. I didn’t feel good, made excuse after excuse and he took my sexual “advance” as not a serious bid for sex, can’t blame him it was weak. So today is the new beginning! We kind of got into an argument over it but regardless we didn’t have sex yesterday! Today is a new day!
that he wants to work with me until he is 80. I told him I don’t want to work when I am that old but he is a bit older than me. I want to feel at home when I am at work. Today felt better than Friday. It was crazy Friday! Too many unexpected moments and surprises that were not good surprises. The day was just a bad day on many levels. I am glad it’s over and I was glad to, today, come back and a lot of that negative energy be gone away.