04 Sunday Feb 2018
Posted in Dance, Dance Like No One is Watching, Do You, Kids, Live in the Moment, Love, Nothing Meaningful, Parenting, Schedule
It is mid dance convention weekend. There has been some stress, but the Girl has danced her heart out and done amazing as have her teammates! The kids are doing an amazing job! I love watching her dance! We we’re there at 7am until 10:30pm I’m spent. I had a great day and will talk about my day more as the week goes on and when I am not so exhausted!
#SLWC2018
11 Sunday Jun 2017
Posted in Be You, Do You, Don't judge me, Kids, Live in the Moment, Mom Stuff, Parenting, Working Mom
This video (click to view link) hits home for me! So much shame in my life not as a child but as an adult, I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD! I feel, I made it through as a child because I am a people pleaser so being a good student and approval from teachers when I did well is what drove me and made me succeed. Thank goodness I am pretty smart and Thank goodness I had great teachers and parents who gave me that approval!!
Since being diagnosed, I have not found a medication that works for me. I kind of have something against taking medication. I don’t really know what, but I just don’t want to admit to myself and everyone else that I have to take medication to be normal! I also think I don’t want to admit there is a normal and that I’m not normal! I kind of hate that word “normal” it is what most “normal” people think is normal and if you have ADD, it is not “normal” for your brain to function as a “normal” person’s brain functions. Your brain does not decipher a hierarchy of things that are important or stay focused on the task at hand or manage time well. A person with ADD has to remind their mind what the task at hand is. We, ADD folks are great at living in the moment! I am a great forgiver! I forgive a lot of times when I probably shouldn’t. I think of something that would be a great idea and I jump on it! If I have time (or if I perceive I have time or if it is really important or interesting or something that I perceive as pressing) I get on it right away, I don’t want to forget about it. Forgetfulness is a big part of ADD. A lot of people see it as a kid who can’t sit still or walk, they always run….it is so much more than that! Do I want my brain to function like “normal”? Won’t that change me? As much as I “hate” myself and they way my brain works, I don’t want “me” to change. See my dilemma?…
I have self medicated with food and sometimes alcohol and thank goodness I have stayed away from illegal drugs, credit to the DARE program for that! But taking the stigma off of “drugs” proven to help ADHD’ers would definitely change my world of shame… So much shame in my life. My son is just like me, forgetful, figgidity, and impulsive….. Not driven as much by people pleasing but then again his dad and I are tough on him so he doesn’t get the praise as much as I did, and he is just like his dad, he is confident almost a little arrogant. He is more solid in what he likes and who he is. It’s not as important to him to impress people the way it was (and still is) to me. I worry about my son turning into me or worse than me. I have a husband who keeps me straight. He pays the bills, I would struggle remembering those things. Will my son be able to do those things that are important. Will my son remember to turn in his homework?… does he need medication? Do I? Will it help? How can I tell? I should get my shit together first before diagnosing or assuming anything about him. ADD is genetic as much as the color of your eyes, of course one of the kids has it but what to do???
So many questions all I know is that, this video hit home. Lot’s of things in my life right now are up in the air and there are a lot of questions in my not so distant future. Lot’s of decisions that can alter my life’s direction. ADD is a big deal to me, it is a big frustration in our lives. Actually our lives are complicated, every parents life is complicated, ADD makes it more difficult. Medication is not for everyone, acceptance is. I have neither for myself and here I am without a mom to drive me to a psychologist like the girl in the video I am an adult now trying to navigate and wanting so badly a mommy to tell me what the right direction is and take me there! I was not diagnosed as having ADD as a 6 year old but right now I feel like it has reduced me to a 6 year old, in that I don’t know what to do, and I can’t function but please don’t treat me like a child!!!
If this is a little disjointed, think of it as a taste of how an ADD brain works…very disjointed distracted and impulsive…..lacking direction sometimes…..wanting so badly to get noticed and get my point across and be understood but lacking the brain function and organization to do so…. and add to that, trying to do it in a short amount of time because of course I didn’t give myself enough time, it was an impulsive moment that I had something to say!
#ADDbrain
17 Friday Jun 2016
Posted in Be Present, Family, Kids, Mom Stuff, Parenting, Raising Kids, Volunteering, Working Mom
Tags
I got this, I have no idea what I am doing, I love my kids, I still don't want to break them, Jr High, Two different schools
Well, this week has been an emotional week! It was the last week of school. The Girl finished her 6th grade year. Here, 6th grade is the mast year of elementary school. Next year they are shifting to a middle school system so I will be doing the whole move up process next year with the boy. I am not sad but I have ahead tears this week. I am happy for her she has done an amazing job so far in school, socially and academically. She has made it through a bad teachers friends and acquaintances being mean and rude to her, tough standardized testing, dance in the side increasing requirements leaving less time for free time and homework but has finished receiving a Presidential Award and straight As!
I have been super involved moat her school career. I was a stay at home mom for a lot of it and got to volunteer in the classroom so much that the teachers always gave me the “tough kids” in field trip groups because they k e w they could trust me and I could handle it. Some even left me in charge of their classrooms when they had to get stuff done. I have created a very close relationship with the copy machine for the teachers math assignments, one year I got to teach Art once a week because the teacher was so not artistic and they want art, I have read essays and helped correct math assignments. Also I got to read with so many when they were younger in a program called Dynamite Reading. When I was helping in Kindergarten I had to learn how to decipher the writing g that looked similar to a foreign language to figure out who’s paper was who. Now they are all moving up to Jr High. So much change and growth.
Luckily the Girl ended up with some very special friends and they are really graet kids. Low drama, loyal, loving and responsible kids they all are. I hope they stay that way! I hope the Girl continues to find friends like she has now.
I plan to sit down with her this summer and prepare her brain for all things Jr High. All things my mother never did for me. Talk about periods, boys, friend drama, the fact that teenage girls are the meanest thing in the planet and that teenage boys are the horniest and all they probably want is sex…(nit that that ever changes). I want her to be prepared for what is going to happen. I want her to be prepared to come to me as I will always be her friend and confidant when she needs one even when her BFF is unavailable and even though I make her do chores and hold her accountable.i want her to know I am there for her. But that won’t mean that I won’t expect her to be responsible and make good choices. I just want the communication lines open. I am still her parents I will protect her and parent her. Too many parents try to hard to be friends with their kids. I will be there like a friend but she will still get grounded for not doing homework!
This is a big step for our family. I am a very proud momma today. The boy will be in 5th grade next year and will be the first 5th grade class to move up to the Jr High. I can’t believe how fast this time has gone. I know I have a lot to learn as a parent but I would say I am doing pretty good. Both the Girl and the Boy are good kids and I feel like I know what I’m doing. OH SHIT, what did I just say?! Shit is about to hit the fan. Everytime I think I know what I’m doing something changes and throws a hitch in my plan and flow. But oh well, I will be on my toes and I will be ready! The only thing I would change is to take more of it in and not worry so much. So from here in our I am going to try to do just that. Take it all in, it won’t last forever! Teaching moments will happen. I just hope we can get through the rest of these parenting years without ruining our children’s spirit!
I just want them to be happy!
Class of 2022 and 2024!!
#2016
03 Tuesday May 2016
Posted in Family, Kids, Uncategorized
So yesterday in the car on the way home he said “THIS BULLYING THING IS OUT OF CONTROL! TODAY A KID PUSHED ME INTO THE FENCE!!” Ok, so I have to admit he has used the word bullying a lot this year. There have been a lot of kids kind of picking on him. I usually start with, like I did yesterday, “what did you do to him?” but the more I reflect on his year, the Boy has really been reporting this a lot. Then there are the things he has not reported to me! He is having a rough time and there are kids in this “No Bullying Zone” that are taking advantage of him. He is small, an easy target and he gets riled up so it gives bully’s a rise when they get to him.
The Assistant Principal read me the definition of bullying to me. Which kind of offended me because basically she said it wasn’t always the same person The Boy is having altercations with so it wasn’t repeated it can’t be bullying. But really it seems that there is a culture her of kids who think they can pick on the little or less confident ones. My son is one who always stands up for the kids getting picked on. If someone takes his friends hat he chases after them and defends his friends. It seems The Boy might not have friends who do the same for him. Which I don’t fault those kids but the kids that are picking on my son are kids who may be bigger, more athletic and have bigger egos than my son. However he gets sad when his is not “accepted” My kid is not afraid of bigger kids he is afraid of not being friends with them!
Let me repeat that, my son is not afraid of the bigger kids, he is afraid of not having friends. In school kids want friends. Friends make you feel safe and loved and like you belong! Friends are teammates. I have always told the Boy you have your team, that is your crew, who cares what the kids at school think! But the problem is that when he is not in season he doesn’t have his team to refocus him on football at the end of the day. He does have his baseball team but they don’t have the same brotherhood feel that his football team does. They spend so much time in school though. If you don’t feel like you have a crew, what do you do. The problem is the boy has a crew. He has some good friends at school but for some reason he wants to hang with the crew that doesn’t treat him right.
The Girl on the other hand she will cut out friends who are not nice to her! She said in 3rd grade of so that for her birthday she is only going to invite the girls who are “nice” to her, not everyone in her class. She has great friends now! She is selective and not afraid to let go of the ones who are not good friends! But she sometimes still gets sad about kids she is forced to work with at class.
I struggled with acceptance as a kid. Why would I think my kids would be super different from me? The Boy has my tender heart and he has The Hubs’ toughness. He has a bit of combination of tempers but from the stories it sounds like The Boy has been pretty patient with these kids. He hasn’t fought back when I have heard that he has been thrown against a fence and put in a headlock. His dad is now encouraging him to fight back. Punch them in the mouth and then they will shut up is what the Hubs has told the boy. Which there is a big part of me that thinks that is logical.
The Boy wants to fit in. He wants what all kids want 10 year old boys want to belong. Just like all the rest of us. We all need to feel like we belong! Even the boys who bully. They feel like they belong more when they are bullying the kids like my son because The Boy is a good kid. He is kind hearted and will laugh tomorrow, with those boys who are being mean to him today. I think that makes him an easy target because those bully’s know he will be friends with them tomorrow when the rest of their friends leave them behind. This makes me so sad but it is a repeat of my life. I have so many people in my life that don’t bully me, but that use, the way these boys use my son. They use him to make them feel better about them selves when they are picking on him and then when they need a buddy they use him as a friend because they know he won’t say no to them because he wants so badly to fit in!
I don’t want my boy to relive my life. I want him to know he deserves good friends and those people who he allows to be his friends need to deserve it. He has seen me have friends who I am there that don’t really deserve all they get from me. So how do I teach him that? Model how to be a good friend and have friends who treat me nicely and walk away from those who do not! ….that’s a lot of work.
We need to be good friends to each other so our kids can learn that behavior and we need to stand up for our kids and for those bullies. We need to not look the other way or tell our kids to toughen up. Let make those bullies accountable and teach them how to properly fit in and find love. You don’t have to bulldoze someone in order to feel better or to get what you want. Respect and love is what we need! Everywhere in this world!
26 Saturday Mar 2016
Today was the Boy’s teacher’s last day. He is following his dream and accepted a position training to be a fire fighter. He has a great teacher! He had the Girl in 4th grade too! I didn’t cry!!! But I almost did. It is sad to see a great teacher move on to greener pastures! It is more scary for those of us left behind not knowing who will take his place. Apparently the teacher has been wanting this for years but it was put on hold a while back when his wife got cancer. She has recovered now and he and his family can follow their dreams.
The class is not so happy. I am not so happy. This teacher is perfect for my son and for the rest of the class. He is very strict which this group really needs they are a little crazy. One teacher one year called them wiggly. I will miss this Teacher!
This week was kind of tough! Between my friend having life saving and life changing surgery, the news of the teacher leaving, I have been emotional and needing a good cry! I have held back but the flood gates are going to break at some point. I did cry a bot after we got home from school today. It confuses the kids. They see me cry when The Hubs and I fight and something is wrong. They don’t get the “I just need a good cry” answer. It tough being tough sometimes.
Well a good cry or good sex or a good laugh. A good emotional release would be nice. The Hubs and I are headed out for an impromptu date night maybe that will lead impromptu Attitude adjustment sex! Bring in the grape vodka!!
#Recomitt2016
01 Tuesday Mar 2016
Posted in Be You, Do You, Family, Homemaker, Kids, Live in the Moment, Mom Stuff, Respect, Self Care, Working Mom
Today felt like a very productive day! Happy Tuesday! I had a massage worked on getting some paperwork stuff taken care of and I went grocery shopping! For the first time in a while I went grocery shopping, have planned meals for the week and feel like I can really get this whole working mom thing done!
The power went out all over town tonight because of the wind and crazy weather here in town. Which kind of thwarted my plans to get some more shit accomplished around the house. I was going to try to get the pantry organized. The house has been clean-ish and I am not super behind on the other chores, laundry is even partially caught up. (Time to get a house cleaner hired tobget the deep cleaning, that I don’t have time for, done.) Thanks to the kids doing the chores of folding clothes when I tell them to. I finally feel like I have a plan and a schedule or at least I am getting stuff done! I am feeling happy about that and after the last few days I have needed a boost!
Sometimes we all just have to put our nose to grind and get our work done. Just getting up from the couch and doing dishes, laundry and cleaning up after meals are cooked and consumed. And sometimes you have to realize when you are doing or expecting too much! I was doing too much before I quit at the bar! I now have more time to get meals done and meals cleaned up (maybe one day the Hubs and/or the kids will help with that) and this week, I even had time to grocery shop for a real week of groceries! My massage schedule is a bit slow this week compared to last week though, so there is a bit of a delicate balance and trade off!
Being a successful mom is hard. Being a working mom is hard. Being both is hard. Knowing how to define “successful mom” is really, impossible. We all have expectations and desires. Those of us with lower self esteem and insecurities and anxiety struggle defining success because we are always trying to be better because we think we are not good enough! We are perfectionists. Well, we are good enough! Our children are breathing, our house isn’t burning down. Our husbands bellies are full and later our vaginas will be! That is success my friends. Try not to over expect things of yourself you are doing so much and that hour you spent watching HGTV or Say Yes To The Dress was well deserved and even more, much needed! We are raising our future, we want our children to have it better than us! Let’s teach our children to be realistic and honest with themselves! We cannot do it all, most of us cannot afford a house nanny that will do everything June Cleaver did and we need energy to help with homework, to clean house, take a shower and fuck our partner at night! We can’t do everything and not feel bitter!
So, don’t over extend yourself, your family needs you! You, need you. Be kind to yourself, always do your best! I promise you are good enough, teach your family that! If they don’t tell you, I guarantee, they know it!
Love yourself!
#Recomitt2016
31 Sunday Jan 2016
Tags
Don't ever give up, don't let your kids quit, Don't Quit, Let Go, remember the sadness and frustration but let it go
The Girl had her second day of convention today. She stated at her Grandma’s house last night so she would have a bed close. For the last 4 or 5 classes she wanted to quit. She kept saying I do t want to so the next class and I just told her you are going to keep going! I didn’t let her quit.
Lucky for her the last class was her favorite style (Lyrical) taught by her new favorite instructor. She pushed through only because I made her. I reminded her that if she would have given up, she wouldn’t have been able to do that. She wouldn’t be able to say she finished.
Each masterclass they teach them a routine and as the 45 minutes to hour goes on they start to perform or show off their routine and perform it. Today, she performed in a big way! She put on a smile (a fake one sometimes) and tried to accomplish the style taught to her. Even when she didn’t want to be there she did a pretty good job faking it. I did think there were times she could have given it more effort but she really pushed through and achieved today. I am proud.
Her solo this year is to Linkin Park’s Iridescent which is a song about over coming. It says “When your lost in desperation, you build up hope but failures all you know. Remember all that sadness and frustration and Let it go.” The “let it go” part is where you over come. I explained to her today that that is what she did today. She overcame those demons in her head saying to stop it’s too hard. She pushed through and finished. There is nothing like the feeling of getting through it and finishing. She has not faced a lot of devastating circumstances so it can be tough to show that in her dance. Today I told remember this today you “let go” of the lain and tiredness and when you did that you dancing was beautiful. When you didn’t, when you were thinking you were too tired to keep going, you could perform.
Every class today she danced, she performed, it was the best I have ever seen her perform bit it made me proud she was trying to put it out there! She is growing and learning right before my eyes.
I have asked how do you teach a child to”push through” Answer: you don’t teach that, you just don’t let them give up!
#Everyday2016
14 Thursday Jan 2016
Posted in Kids, Love, Mom Stuff, Parenting, Raising Kids
Tags
Anger is an emotion, Kids, Mother and son, Son, tough, wrestling
Today was the third wrestling match of the the year. The boy has had some tough competition this year. When he got down in his first match, he kind of gave up a little. He has asked me to not yell too loud or too much because it distracts him. That is tough for me. It’s tough to be quiet. I did it but when I saw him getting down and “giving up” I let loose and was loud. Still I was positive but with the don’t give up tone. He wrestles and when he can’t figure out what to do to get out of something or if the kid sets him off he gets mad and emotional. I keep saying, “Don’t get mad, get focused” but sometimes I am not sure he knows or is capable of understanding what I am saying or even how to do that!
We wrestle in a league and the teams and wrestlers kind of stay the same so he has been wrestling some of these kids for 5 years. They all grow and get bigger but for the most part they all stay the similar sizes in relation to each other. There are some kids in his weight group that have gotten stronger, faster, and better. The boy has as well and all the kids his size have. Some have gotten extremely better! Today he had a good night. He only wrestled two kids and one kid forfeited after about 30 seconds in the first round. This kid (the other boy) does that a lot when The Boy (my boy) starts to dominate him. That boy, (the other boy), does not like to lose or get beat and The Boy , my boy, gets him most times. The two have wrestled a lot The Boy (my boy) is probably up 50-75% of the time. Although same kid beat The Boy (my boy) in last week’s match. At this age (10) it is hard to handle so much emotions. It is hard to learn how to wrestle a kid and get beat by him and not get mad at him. When do they learn the ‘friendly competition’ idea? Anyway it is always fun to watch, he is learning and growing?
Yesterday was the boys birthday. He is now 10! He was a fast labor. I had felt some minor contractions all day but didn’t think it was anything. Then my water broke and he came out in less than 30 minutes. The Boy is pretty chill until he needs something and he needs it right now! Just like the way he came into this world! He is a strong character. He has a strong personality and he is very emotional. When he is frustrated you know it. When he is happy or excited there is no mistaking that either! Which makes it so much more fun to spend time with this kid.
I am proud to be his mom. I hope I can teach him how to focus a little more and use his emotions to help him and not distract him. That is the one thing I want to help him with this year! So that when he is 11 I can say to him “Don’t get mad, Get Focused” and he would actually know how to do just that! That is my mom goal for The Boy this year.
#Everyday2016
21 Monday Dec 2015
Posted in Be Present, Family, Kids, Live in the Moment, Love, Raising Kids
Tags
Christmas Vacation, Disneyland, Family, Kids, Lies vs Secrets of Surprise, Surprise, Trust, Vacation?
We are at Disneyland!!!! We woke the kids up at 2am to get them ready to get on an airplane. They were still not sure they were really going we fibbed quite a lot recently to cover our surprise, which made the kids question our sincerity of our story that we were actually going to Disneyland. Today after we got to Cali, we went to Downtown Disney atr at ESPN Zone (YUM!) and watch the new Star Wars movie. I had a hard time not falling asleep during the movie, not because of the movie but just because of my lack of sleep lately. The movie was good.
Tomorrow we head into Disneyland the actual park! I am excited. I am trying push through the annoyance of being in close quarters with the in laws and the way our kids act with Gma around. Who’s kids are these anyway?! I am determined, despite that drama in my head, we will have fun. I just need to remind myself of the fact that it is not a competition for the children’s love… It is about fun and making memories!
It is time to stop and smell the roses…or stop and admire the sparkles and the decorations and the smells and memories! I have high hopes for this trip I need to just take it and enjoy whatever happens!
I love my family!
#Everyday2015
Sex Love and Washing Clothes 