I miss having time! When my kids were young I had all the time in the world and rushed everything. Now they are teenagers the Girl is a Freshman, just had her first Homecoming the Boy is 12 in Middle School and is going from School baseball to football practice 3 days a week. The days we don’t have a schedule we are running around filling in the stuff we don’t have time for and still don’t have time to get groceries or cook real food.
The organizations my kids are involved in are all volunteer and it seems the spirit of volunteerism is gone. It seems I am the one who sees that and the one who will do what needs to be done. It’s frustrating to be the only one who care about the organization and then more than that the only one who will actually do the work that needs done. At the sacrifice of my family. I am working for the organization to succeed and thrive and while I am doing that my family struggles. Why? Because I refuse to do a bad job at the work that is done but I feel like the work that is getting done isn’t really the best and get judged by those around (who aren’t doing as much work) that it is disorganized and incomplete. I can’t do it all. Why doesn’t anyone want to help? Why am I the one who has to stay late every night finishing. Why am I the only one who cares? It is so frustrating. Why am I putting this much effort into something my son will only be involved in for one more year? What do I get out of it?
Nothing the answer is nothing. The others in the organization that are not focused on the big picture all they want to do it what is fun and here I am grinding out the hard stuff. I said I would never do this job. It’s too labor intensive it takes me away from my family. The Hubs helps but complains all the way and then we end up exhausted at the end of Saturday instead of celebrating a win and a great game for our son we colapse at 11pm once we finally get home! I am frustrated.
I miss time for me. I miss jumping up in the morning ready to go to the gym. Now I wake up thinking, I should wash the dishes and do laundry before I go. Then I secretly want he grocery store open at 5 am so I can do groceries then and have food in the house and not have to interrupt my schedule of work, volunteering, work and more volunteering. I have cleaning and organizing to do for volunteering job today that didn’t get done at 10:30 pm Saturday when we finished up. My plan was to put a plan in place and have helpers be able to do it without me there. But there is no one willing to do that work. My gut is about to quit and say obviously no one cares so why should I?
It’s about the kids but is it really? I am going to have to do some sole searching on this right now. With the lack of help from the others in the organization to do the tough stuff not just the sit behind a keyboard or text message thread making decisions of who get that kid or the other… All I want is to make sure the kids are safe with gear and supplies I don’t want to loose my family running the business for the club and that is about how I feel this is going to end. Why is the spirit of volunteerism dead? And why do people pick and choose what they want to do and leave the hard stuff to people like me who actually care about it and will do the work….
#feelingdefeated
Today was a stressful day. I had a stressful mommy morning. The boy has been having issues getting going in the mornings. Today, he even got up when his alarm want off, two hours before we leave for school! He struggles with time management and he likes to doddle. I got home from the gym (I go at 5:30am before they are awake) only to find him watching TV when I got home, which is against the rules unless your ready for school you’re not allowed to watch TV. What is it about my son that makes it so he can’t stay on task without someone (me) checking up on him and reminding him we are checking up on him. He got up with his alarm had more than 2 hours then blamed me because I had to sign something for school (a behavior reflection sheet) for him. He did not think about it until the last minute. Then he comes out with his knee pads for wrestling in his hands and not in his back pack. I kind of lost my shit especially after I had been asking him is his backpack ready to go is everything else ready to go? He even had lied earlier when I first came home from the gym about if he had a shower. I was reminding him almost all morning the time we needed to leave and what still needed to be done. To top off the frustration when we got to the school and he got out of the car he didn’t give me the normal hug and kiss he usually does. He just stared me down. I had just yell/lectured at him for the whole drive (which is only about 2 minutes long). It was not a proud moment and I wanted get out of the car and grab him and force him to hug and kiss me and apologize but I just let him go. What do I do to teach him responsibility and respect. Here is my plan:Ok, so here’s my plan 1. I’m going to set a time to leave the house. If he is not ready he does not get a ride to school if he is late to school he won’t get a ride sports to practices after school. 2. In order to get in the car or to leave to go to school he must have a healthy lunch packed and checked by me that it is a balanced complete meal 3. and must take a shower otherwise he will not be considered ready to go 4. No Xbox or TV before school ever….and for the next 2 weeks at all until he is caught up at school (I got notice from his teacher he is behind in his reading) 5. He is being pulled from extra sports. (He will go to his school sport because of eligibility and he needs to run everyday) but Basketball and Baseball privileges are revoked until caught up at school and I get notice from his teacher that it is so. 5. I will not help with morning routine unless asked and if I have time. He needs to don’t all until he learns respect and appreciation 6. We will have a heart to heart to pair down what is really going on worth him and figure out what he wants and how he plans to accomplish all he needs to do 7. Nightly checks that his bedroom is kept organized and that his school bag is ready before he goes to bed at night. 8. Please, thank you, and proper manners including things like holding the door for others, and allowing others to go ahead in line, getting up for elders to give chairs etc will be practiced. This is my plan for now. I need to be more consistent. I feel guilty for part of this maybe I should have been more direct this morning and other mornings because this happens a lot. He is new to the whole Middle School thing so I should be understanding of the transition and realize puberty and hormones may be playing into this. However, I want to teach him to be a responsible, reliable adult. Someone who can stay on task and get themselves ready. He shouldn’t need me as his mom or anyone to help him. If he has help he needs to realize how big it is and be appreciative for that help. He’s learning and so am I! The Girl did all this on her own and it was easy for her. She helps keep me on time for things. I do also feel guilty because he is so much like me! The poor boy has no hope worth me being his mom, but I have learned to deal and he needs to as well! Stay strong Momma’s, we need to instill discipline and respect, reliability responsibility and kindness in kids these days and that is not always the feel good easy thing to do. Fight the good fight this one is important! #SLWC2018
Since being diagnosed, I have not found a medication that works for me. I kind of have something against taking medication. I don’t really know what, but I just don’t want to admit to myself and everyone else that I have to take medication to be normal! I also think I don’t want to admit there is a normal and that I’m not normal! I kind of hate that word “normal” it is what most “normal” people think is normal and if you have ADD, it is not “normal” for your brain to function as a “normal” person’s brain functions. Your brain does not decipher a hierarchy of things that are important or stay focused on the task at hand or manage time well. A person with ADD has to remind their mind what the task at hand is. We, ADD folks are great at living in the moment! I am a great forgiver! I forgive a lot of times when I probably shouldn’t. I think of something that would be a great idea and I jump on it! If I have time (or if I perceive I have time or if it is really important or interesting or something that I perceive as pressing) I get on it right away, I don’t want to forget about it. Forgetfulness is a big part of ADD. A lot of people see it as a kid who can’t sit still or walk, they always run….it is so much more than that! Do I want my brain to function like “normal”? Won’t that change me? As much as I “hate” myself and they way my brain works, I don’t want “me” to change. See my dilemma?…
In my life in the last week I have had some clarity of mind to realize I need to focus on me. Not in a selfish way where you are “more important” than your family, that you are charged with taking care of, but in a way to be the healthiest you so your family can have a healthy mom, healthy wife and your clients can have a healthy provider coming from a place of love and caring. I have been so bogged down with stress in life that I am complaining a lot, offended easily and my brain gets flooded and I get angry easily. So much so that I don’t really recognize myself and then when the hubs and I get into “special moments” I feel like I turn into some monster that is not me! Then it spirals out of control! So I am taking control of me. Part of that is me getting back into blogging here. I want to encourage people who are or have been in my spot. Also it helps me to get my feelings out and helps me to help guide myself in a positive way, not just my readers. Plus entertaining readers with my Hump Day Challenges is a passion of mine that I have missed the last few weeks.
Yesterday was the boys birthday. He is now 10! He was a fast labor. I had felt some minor contractions all day but didn’t think it was anything. Then my water broke and he came out in less than 30 minutes. The Boy is pretty chill until he needs something and he needs it right now! Just like the way he came into this world! He is a strong character. He has a strong personality and he is very emotional. When he is frustrated you know it. When he is happy or excited there is no mistaking that either! Which makes it so much more fun to spend time with this kid.