I miss having time! When my kids were young I had all the time in the world and rushed everything. Now they are teenagers the Girl is a Freshman, just had her first Homecoming the Boy is 12 in Middle School and is going from School baseball to football practice 3 days a week. The days we don’t have a schedule we are running around filling in the stuff we don’t have time for and still don’t have time to get groceries or cook real food.
The organizations my kids are involved in are all volunteer and it seems the spirit of volunteerism is gone. It seems I am the one who sees that and the one who will do what needs to be done. It’s frustrating to be the only one who care about the organization and then more than that the only one who will actually do the work that needs done. At the sacrifice of my family. I am working for the organization to succeed and thrive and while I am doing that my family struggles. Why? Because I refuse to do a bad job at the work that is done but I feel like the work that is getting done isn’t really the best and get judged by those around (who aren’t doing as much work) that it is disorganized and incomplete. I can’t do it all. Why doesn’t anyone want to help? Why am I the one who has to stay late every night finishing. Why am I the only one who cares? It is so frustrating. Why am I putting this much effort into something my son will only be involved in for one more year? What do I get out of it?
Nothing the answer is nothing. The others in the organization that are not focused on the big picture all they want to do it what is fun and here I am grinding out the hard stuff. I said I would never do this job. It’s too labor intensive it takes me away from my family. The Hubs helps but complains all the way and then we end up exhausted at the end of Saturday instead of celebrating a win and a great game for our son we colapse at 11pm once we finally get home! I am frustrated.
I miss time for me. I miss jumping up in the morning ready to go to the gym. Now I wake up thinking, I should wash the dishes and do laundry before I go. Then I secretly want he grocery store open at 5 am so I can do groceries then and have food in the house and not have to interrupt my schedule of work, volunteering, work and more volunteering. I have cleaning and organizing to do for volunteering job today that didn’t get done at 10:30 pm Saturday when we finished up. My plan was to put a plan in place and have helpers be able to do it without me there. But there is no one willing to do that work. My gut is about to quit and say obviously no one cares so why should I?
It’s about the kids but is it really? I am going to have to do some sole searching on this right now. With the lack of help from the others in the organization to do the tough stuff not just the sit behind a keyboard or text message thread making decisions of who get that kid or the other… All I want is to make sure the kids are safe with gear and supplies I don’t want to loose my family running the business for the club and that is about how I feel this is going to end. Why is the spirit of volunteerism dead? And why do people pick and choose what they want to do and leave the hard stuff to people like me who actually care about it and will do the work….
#feelingdefeated
In my life in the last week I have had some clarity of mind to realize I need to focus on me. Not in a selfish way where you are “more important” than your family, that you are charged with taking care of, but in a way to be the healthiest you so your family can have a healthy mom, healthy wife and your clients can have a healthy provider coming from a place of love and caring. I have been so bogged down with stress in life that I am complaining a lot, offended easily and my brain gets flooded and I get angry easily. So much so that I don’t really recognize myself and then when the hubs and I get into “special moments” I feel like I turn into some monster that is not me! Then it spirals out of control! So I am taking control of me. Part of that is me getting back into blogging here. I want to encourage people who are or have been in my spot. Also it helps me to get my feelings out and helps me to help guide myself in a positive way, not just my readers. Plus entertaining readers with my Hump Day Challenges is a passion of mine that I have missed the last few weeks.
I know I have been MIA! I apologize to those who like reading my posts and to my faithful followers. I am really working on getting into a routine to keep my blog up to date and keep inspiring and entertaining people. My goal is to inspire couples to have more sex and to be more connected and to stay together, support each other, and love each other more. It has been about a week and a half since I wrote. The Hubs was gone all last week, I conducted Drill Team tryouts and did the normal stuff I do every week. It was a good busy week. The boy’s football team had a bye this weekend but we all went to the afternoon games this week. It was fun to just watch football and not really be connected to a player. I mean I am connected too all our teams in our league but it was nice to be sort of neutral.
I am a dreamer I believe we all deserve the best and we all are worthy but for some reason I accept less, always. Especially when it is me that is responsible for making it happen. It is so easy to stay in the now especially when things are good enough and maybe even better than most. I still sit here wanting the best, wanting more am I really capable? How can I do it? Will it really work? If not then what? Will I lose everything I have worked for so far? Probably not, but possibly. That is always possible. Am I making the best effort all the time? am I always doing my best? Am I always expecting the best or am I always accepting less? I am always accepting less, for me, I can sacrifice. As long as everyone else is happy. My best happiness does not always matter to me. I want everyone else to be happy I want them to have it easy, I will do the harder work to make you happy and hope that you will do the same for me…guess what, they don’t!
I am having a few challenging issues with my work office. I struggle with the boundaries of what is my job as a massage therapist employee and what is the job of the office. Problem is the office is busy and the office staff has a lot on their plate. I don’t think the office assistants understand it either. I don’t have a contract lining out what I am responsible for or what they are responsible for. The worst part about it is that I don’t know how to go about getting all this defined. I know I need to sit down with the Doc and figure it out but that is way easier said than done, for me anyway.
This weekend has been pretty calming and relaxing for the Hubs and I! The kids have been gone with Grandparents since Wednesday. I had a long day at work on Friday but since then it has been very relaxing. We had no schedule this weekend. We went to a detail shop where they had a car show, then drove the new car around to get help break in the engine. We took it easy yesterday. Then today we did some work around the house before the kids got home.
On the Homefront we will have to kind of adjust our normal dinner plans. Since this school year has started I have not got a routine going. The Girl has to be at dance at 4 M, W, & F and 5 and 5:30 on T and Th. The boy has practice or matches during wrestling season at 6. So my plan for work is I will finish my afternoon appointments by 2:30ish and then start evening appoints around 4:15ish and be done by 7ish. We will shift to the kids having good hardy and healthy snacks before practices and then have late healthy dinners after practices. That just means I have to have them planned out and quick to make so we are eating no later than 8:30 and kids can get into bed. But I want to have family meal time, with the whole family. I want family meal time to be fun and relaxed and a time where we can connect. I also want my kids to get to bed at a decent time as well but healthy dinners have not been happening in this household and my kids are getting to the age that they need good nutrition modeled for them because it is too easy to just grab fast food.