Category Archives: Self Care

Volunteerism is Dead and I am out of cares…

02 Tuesday Oct 2018

Posted by in Parenting, Planning, Schedule, Self Care, Volunteering

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The world needs dreamers who doI miss having time! When my kids were young I had all the time in the world and rushed everything. Now they are teenagers the Girl is a Freshman, just had her first Homecoming the Boy is 12 in Middle School and is going from School baseball to football practice 3 days a week. The days we don’t have a schedule we are running around filling in the stuff we don’t have time for and still don’t have time to get groceries or cook real food.

The organizations my kids are involved in are all volunteer and it seems the spirit of volunteerism is gone. It seems I am the one who sees that and the one who will do what needs to be done. It’s frustrating to be the only one who care about the organization and then more than that the only one who will actually do the work that needs done. At the sacrifice of my family. I am working for the organization to succeed and thrive and while I am doing that my family struggles. Why? Because I refuse to do a bad job at the work that is done but I feel like the work that is getting done isn’t really the best and get judged by those around (who aren’t doing as much work) that it is disorganized and incomplete. I can’t do it all. Why doesn’t anyone want to help? Why am I the one who has to stay late every night finishing. Why am I the only one who cares? It is so frustrating. Why am I putting this much effort into something my son will only be involved in for one more year? What do I get out of it?

Nothing the answer is nothing. The others in the organization that are not focused on the big picture all they want to do it what is fun and here I am grinding out the hard stuff. I said I would never do this job. It’s too labor intensive it takes me away from my family. The Hubs helps but complains all the way and then we end up exhausted at the end of Saturday instead of celebrating a win and a great game for our son we colapse at 11pm once we finally get home! I am frustrated.

I miss time for me. I miss jumping up in the morning ready to go to the gym. Now I wake up thinking, I should wash the dishes and do laundry before I go. Then I secretly want he grocery store open at 5 am so I can do groceries then and have food in the house and not have to interrupt my schedule of work, volunteering, work and more volunteering. I have cleaning and organizing to do for volunteering job today that didn’t get done at 10:30 pm Saturday when we finished up. My plan was to put a plan in place and have helpers be able to do it without me there. But there is no one willing to do that work. My gut is about to quit and say obviously no one cares so why should I?

It’s about the kids but is it really? I am going to have to do some sole searching on this right now. With the lack of help from the others in the organization to do the tough stuff not just the sit behind a keyboard or text message thread making decisions of who get that kid or the other… All I want is to make sure the kids are safe with gear and  supplies I don’t want to loose my family running the business for the club and that is about how I feel this is going to end. Why is the spirit of volunteerism dead? And why do people pick and choose what they want to do and leave the hard stuff to people like me who actually care about it and will do the work….

#feelingdefeated

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Monday after Vacation

10 Tuesday Apr 2018

Posted by in Be Present, Be You, Relax, Self Care, Take the time to take care of yourself, Working Mom

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sometimes

Today is Monday after our much needed and very relaxing vacation. Am I the only one who has a weird lull after vacation. I usually plan that Monday off to be able to regroup unpack, do laundry etc. during those days seem to be kind of depressing, the sad reality that you just don’t have that elated vacation feeling like you can do everything and fix all your problems just after one week off. You are met with the real life situation and now have to take action or you realize you thought it out and solved the problem but forgot your biggest road block is…reality. Or maybe you’re like me and decide you will be different. This time you will unpack right away keep the clutter gone and not let things pile up but then you realize you bring a pile with you back from vacation. And as much as the sun lured you into believing you were a changed woman who would relish at the opportunity to be proactive with laundry you come home to realize that it still doesn’t make your heart sing the way that sun on you cheeks and the warmth on your skin did. You realize you are still you…wait is that just me?

Then to top it off for me the Hubs left for a work trip today as well. I do want to admit that I know the reality that if I didn’t live with The Hubs I would either be on TLC’s Hoarders or My 600 Pound Life. The way I treat myself when he is gone is absolutely astounding and disgusting. I let myself eat crap, I let my kids eat crap. I count down the minutes until he leaves to have a donuts or eat a whole large pizza. Today after weighing in last night on my first day of my weight loss challenge I had a chocolate Easter Bunny for breakfast (I told this to my girlfriend and she laughed out loud at me because I said I ate a Easter Bunny for breakfast) She was probably confused because of my low carb diet she probably was laughing out of shear disgust that I may have eaten a real bunny like maybe roadkill cafe style or something. Then I fed the kids Taco Bell for dinner with a side of jelly beans and yes I had that too. I had a list of chores a mile long I got a couple started maybe one done but really it seems like I still have a list a mile and a half long.

I spent a lot of time on Facebook today. Am I bored? Do I need attention? Am I sad or lonely. Yes probably lonely the kids were at school the Hubs is away and I have spent the last week with two or more extra people in the same house with our family. It is quite a change. It’s like a crazy morning after or weird hangover. When the kids used to go to Grandma’s for the weekend when they were little they would come home with these crazy cranky attitudes. I always called it the Grandma Hangover. (One Grandma got pretty offended by that term) I seriously believe in this though and now I think I have the vacation hang over. Not puking from drinking although I had one of those the other day, it’s a weird crazy let down from Vacation!

How to combat this? Well two weeks ago in my therapist’s office I scheduled my next appointment for tomorrow. Thinking the Hubs will be gone it will be after vacation I might need time to process how it went how to proceed with the week (or it may have been her only opening for the next two weeks) but I feel like I kind of need it. When the Hubs is gone I get a lot of time to think. Which I don’t take often enough and that day after vacation I am always filled with thoughts so doing this all at the same time is different for me. One therapist told me one day to allow myself to be me give myself more of what I want and my response was “I don’t even know what I want” I am too busy being wife and mom and make them all happy I don’t think of me.

Dude, you would think I have some really messed up mental health state right? Schizophrenia or maybe BiPolar or even clinical or manic depression but no. I don’t, my message here is that I need a therapist to help me process, and I have no diagnosed condition. I know I a m not alone in this. If left alone I may create some horrible story about why I feel this way. What did my mother or father do to me in childhood that made me like this. What did the hubs say that made me so angry or what did he not say to make me so sad and lonely. That’s called blame and, folks the reality in my uneducated opinion is this is what real life is. You don’t have to be schizo or even clinically depressed or diagnosed with any psychosis to experience some mental health struggles. To get help or even need help with a counselor or a self help book or meditation trainer is not a sign of weakness or breaking down to the mental condition it is taking control and teaching yourself how to handle the mental condition associated with real life.

I am not saying there is no diagnosed psychosis or that a patient can just decide to snap out of it or fix it with out drugs or treatment, what I am suggesting is that this condition we call life sometimes does not need a diagnosis to need treatment. Get that treatment. Go to a counselor or talk to your pastor or a good friend. Don’t self medicate, and don’t beat yourself up internally with your words or worse by hurting yourself or anyone else for that matter! Find what works for you, if you don’t you may push away those you love by blaming them or by just being withdrawn. Go exercise what I didn’t do today. Eat right the brain needs fuel to process emotions in life. Take care of you. One step in self care is to take that vacation another is to get back to taking care of being healthy when you come back from vacation. Sometimes Self care involves mental health counselors, massage therapists to help with your pain or your stress or to just give you an hour of time away. It involves nutrition, exercise and brain work. Don’t be afraid to do it, figure out what it is that you need for your mental health and be your mental health advocate. Always do your best it is okay to take time to figure it out but figure it out, don’t give up!.

I don’t want this to turn political, which it kind of did for a minute we need to take care of our mental health because that is who is taking care of our families and kids. Whatever your role is, your kids need the best mom, dad, brother, sister, uncle, or grandparent that you can be your family deserves the best you! I tell mom’s all the time, don’t you want your family to have the healthiest mom they can have, don’t you think that mom will be better than the tired run down ill taken care of thing you are? Treat yourself the way you want your family to be treated! Take care of you, you owe it to them!

#Selfcare2018

Call Your Friends

01 Thursday Feb 2018

Posted by in Connection, Dance, Do Your Thing, Don't judge me, Family, Friends, Raising Kids, Relax, Self Care, wrestling

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Why people are sad

Happy Thursday!!! So, there has been no alcohol consumed on this First day of February but for some reason the mood in here is light and airy, unlike it has been for the last month of Dry January. It is a good day here in the Earl household! The boy is well into his first year of Middle School Wrestling and doing great. He has had 2 matches on Varsity as a 6th grader, 2 wins, 1 with a pin and one by points. Today was the points match. It was intense the kid he wrestled was good but the Boy was better. He kept focus was strong and held him off and managed to score more points even when the ref was screwed up in his scoring (he had to score a couple Take-downs before he even got points). I love watching him wrestle he is doing great!

The girl is gearing up for her first full convention and competition this weekend. She will be on her own deciding what she can do per her knee pain. She has taken today and tomorrow’s classes off to give a rest before the big weekend. I hope she can hold up with minimal set backs but sometimes when you rehab from injury and reintroduce sports and workload, that happens. This is the competition that she won their title award a few years ago. I love seeing her win awards and get scholarships but I try not to attach to much emotion to that, but it’s hard! I just love watching her dance!

Today I had a girlfriend come over for coffee. OMG was that refreshing and so enjoyable! I really needed that and I think the two of us need to do that more often! It is refreshing for the soul. Women need supportive women friends to support each other. I am so happy to have reconnected. I met this friend through my daughter. The Girl and this friends daughter have been friends since 2 grade or so. The daughter is a great friend to the Girl and the mom to me. I am just so thankful and grateful for her. We had a great visit talking about everything under the sun even gossiping about our kids and their drama with their friends. We made a “we won’t tell anyone what we talked about today” pact. I love that! I love my friend!

You need people! We all need people especially us ladies. We thrive on each other we process emotions by talking to each other and it helps us to not kill our husbands and children and for ourselves. Men need that sense of community to but they process things differently sorry guys but I don’t know how to tell you to do it, but grab a guy friend go shoot hoops or play golf, boys don’t seem to need to talk as much as ladies they need to move, work on cars together or play sports. Bottom line we all need community and friends. Ladies tend to compete with each other and get petty and find faults we need to stop that! I am thankful that this mom friend has never made me feel like we are competing, Nor has she judged me, she’s a good friend! Not to mention she has been available to take my kids to and from school and even take the boy at times and she doesn’t have boys. She is really a great gal pal and I love her and we all need more of them.

Go be with your community! Be friends with your spouse and Have a friend group to hang with and confide in together but also separate from your spouse. Being loved and being social is one thing that helps us thrive. We need connection sometimes we need to ask our friends over for coffee and stop waiting for them to call us!

#SLWC2018

Rise Above the Negative

21 Monday Nov 2016

Posted by in Be Present, Be You, Family, Live life, Marriage is work, Mom Stuff, Raising Kids, Self Care, Working Mom

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Hello friends! Last week was rough for me! I am rising above the negativity and coming out of those ashes! I know that we mom’s expect much more out of ourselves than we should. Many times, we expect even more from ourselves than our worst critic. Sadly, sometimes, that critic lives with us and is one that we love most and the one we don’t want to let down. Which is why we are so hard on ourselves. Little does that critic know he or she, his criticism, is what not only drives us and motivates us to do better but also and more likely is what drives us to fall into dark places, kills us on the inside and shakes our confidence. 

So this quick post is to say to you, rise above you mom or sister or whoever is hard on you, magnifying you minor faults, most of all rise above that voice in your head shouting out your major faults! It’s time to realize, we are all worthy of the crown we wear! Yes we all wear a crown! We are all queens of our own universe and we are our best ally! So stop cutting youself short, stop focusing on the negative don’t letting them in your head! Don’t believe everything you think! You are not that bad you are the queen

Try to find a way to shake off their words and negativity and find positive. Call your friend who supports you. Go chat with you brother or dad instead of your unapproving mother. Have girlfriend time (or guy time if your a dude reading this post). Distract yourself away from the negative. Whoever that critical family member is trying to help you be better. But you can’t hear that it’s best to get away to distract yourself away from the negative situation. Read mom blogs like this one to remind yourself that you are normal! We are all normal and we are all queens! Our crowns do t always have jewels sometimes the have gray hair or as a friend of mine states Sparkly hair and sometimes it’s a ponytail thrown up.in a baseball cap! Wear it proud. 

This critical loved one, they have a dark story and tjays where their negativity is coming from there. They probably need support and positivity in their life as well but you focus on you. They are not ready to focus on themselves maybe they don’t know how. Let them be. Share only love that is the only way to break the cycle, get yourself the loving support that you need and love your loved ones back. Break the cycle of negativity and Rise above!

You don’t have an alien living in your house, you doing just fine! You are the queen, keep it up! 

#Rise2016

Productive Weekend

06 Tuesday Sep 2016

Posted by in Connection, Just Do It, Lock your door!, Love, Marriage, Marriage is hard, Marriage is work, Nappping, Reboot, Self Care, Sex, Sex Love and Washing Clothes

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Happy Monday, wait, it’s Tuesday! Happy Tuesday! This was Labor Day Weekend. Did you get in some end of summer R&R? Or were you uber productive and finished cleaning out the closets before the kids go back to school? We had a very chill weekend. The kids went to Gma’s one last time before they leave for AZ for a few weeks and the Hubs and I just relaxed. He had worked Thursday night all night. He went back to work Thursday evening at 10pm and then came home at 11:45 Friday morning. We had originally planned to go away one last weekend camping at the ocean but being up all night working has a way of altering those kind of weekend plans.

dream hungry demonsSo instead, Gma and Gpa came to get the kids so they could “steal” them for the weekend. I was quite thankful because  I needed an adult only weekend kind of a break. Gma and Gpa picked up the kids around 11am then the Hubs and I went back to bed when they left. We slept, fucked, watched football, fucked some more, then got out of bed had dinner and did it all again. We met up with friends we haven’t seen in a while Sunday evening and then Monday we went shooting.

We had a very productive weekend. Not in a sense of getting things accomplished but we made some really good connection, with each other. No doors to lock, didn’t have to be quiet and didn’t have to be anywhere! It was a relaxing chill weekend. No washing clothes, no schedule, no demands except the way we felt about each other. We had lots of sex this weekend. I did get a few ideas for Hump Day Challenges but do you think I wrote them down or remember my ideas at all? Not currently, I will get better at writing things down one day! We had a great reboot this weekend.

The Hubs and I really needed a reboot kind of weekend. Not really because things have been bad (although it has not been smooth sailing) but because we are busy. It’s hard to stay connected when you are going in so many different directions and have schedules and other people that take priority just because of the demands of the schedule of life. When this happens we all need to get grounded and focus on priorities and give each other a little grace. The Hubs and I talked this morning about not letting the busy-ness and demands of kids, school, work, jobs, coaching duties get in the way of knowing that we love each other and staying connected. We all get tired but we all need to take the time to nourish our relationships.

One day there will be no kids to take to practice and work will slow down and we may even retire, we need to make sure that we still know and love our partner, when life slows down, that’s when life will get really good. I am not saying mine is a model relationship, we have our problems and struggles. We still have more good than bad and nurturing our relationship is important to us. We do that by taking weekends like this one. I would love to do it once a month but that is just not realistic, but when I start to see and feel that lack of connection, arguing over washing clothes and just that bluh feeling about my relationship that is the time to look at the calendar, contact one of the Grandparents or some really great friends to take the kids so we can have adult time. Sometimes we go away and sometimes we send the kids with Gma but we get alone time!

We also take a date night, every week. Right now we are on Tuesday, it is our weeknight date night. We usually also do get in a Weekend date night as well. I know there are many people who judge us and how much we go out and take date nights and weekends sans kids. But, I really think it is important for every marriage or partnership to have that time. When the kids are grown and gone we need to still know and love the one we met and had those said kids with.

It is important to take the time to nourish the relationship with your lover and almost as important to teach your children how to do that. Children see us fighting, I know studies show we shouldn’t fight around our kids, we try not to, but let’s be honest they see it, they need to see us make up and they need to see us loving each other as well. It is important to take care of ourselves individually as well. I want to inspire you to take the time to take care of your relationship with your lover. One of the easiest ways to do that is to have more sex! If you can’t get away or have no one to take care of the kids, lock your bedroom door turn up some music and enjoy the naked physical love of your partner. I promise it is well worth it even when you are tired!

Go make connection with your mate, have more sex! Of course being nice, helping each other cook and clean and keep up with the tedious tasks of a busy life helps too, but there is nothing like having a great relationship with you spouse and having great sex with them as well!

#Havesex2016

Expectations, Anxiety and

02 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by in Connection, Marriage is hard, Self Care, Take the time to take care of yourself

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It is the day after my birthday, the hubs came down sick yesterday on my birthday and even stayed home sick today. I hate to admit it and feel bad but this time I got super irritated about it. I mean can’t I just have a special day. I know he didn’t do it on purpose and I normally don’t respond like that.

I feel and I know I sound super selfish. My birthday is never made a big deal about by the Hubs. I learned at 22 that if I want to have a party I have to plan it myself or have a girlfriend do it. At 22 I said to the Hubs, “I don’t care what we do. I want to hang out with our friends and I don’t want to plan it.” The day before, I believe my birthday that year was even on a Friday, he finally called everyone and invited them to get together and hang out. Everyone was busy already so no birthday party for me. So, since then I decided well, I will make the plans myself. Which I have done.

Normally, because of that experience that year, I plan some time for myself to just do me on my birthday. But this year is different. I am a full time working mom . I had 6 appointments at the office The Girl had dance, the Boy had a baseball game, I had my dance class that I take. There was no time, I hadn’t made dinner plans nor had I been to the grocery store in a while so there wasn’t much to even cook at home. When I asked what the plan was for dinner he answered with “well do you want to run through a drive through or something?” I was appalled on my birthday he hasn’t even considered what to do for dinner so I didn’t have to worry about it?! I know I was being unfair. I did not really know how sick he was feeling he seemed fine. Then at home he basically sat down on the couch and crashed. I cleaned, vacuumed the house (so glad I did) did laundry. The Kids helped by making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner. I was sitting on the couch lonely onme of picking a fight but quickly backed down. He never quickly backs down. I was feeling sad, lonely, anxious. He was feeling sick. He has some digestive  my birthday writing the Hump Day Challenge alone.

Tonight has been similar but it is not my birthday. My husband does not get sick much and it usually takes a lot to get him to not go to work and not want to spend time with me or not want to even have sex. So then I go into crazy head mode. Why doesn’t he want me. Why isn’t he thinking of me? Why doesn’t he understand that all he had to do was not make me make the dinner plan on my birthday. It only takes something small to impress me but it takes something. Is he talking to someone else? Does he not want me anymore? Am I too high maintenance because I want some special treatment or consideration when it’s my birthday?

99%All of those things are my anxiety and what I call Crazy Head Ruby. I am pretty sure I have written about it before. These are the things that women (I am sure men do it too but I would guess many don’t admit it) think when they don’t know what is going on and there is someone acting different. (I do this with my friends too it is not exclusive to the Hubs). It’s anxiety. I wish I could shake it. I tried breathing but I cried over it this morning. We got in a little argument but settled pretty quickly. Is the Hubs learning to get me better and sooner or is he just not caring about me enough to fight? He did accuse stuff going on it comes in waves so he feels fine and then all of a sudden gets the sweats and has to run to the bathroom. Which is why it is so hard for me to know that he was sick.

Bottom line, self care and communication. He should communicate better with me how he is feeling. I want more of a connection with him, like when he decides to stay late after practice with the Boy throwing the ball around vs having to call to make sure they didn’t crash in a ditch somewhere. I want him to understand me I am needy. It sucks sometimes how needy I am, it is what it is! Finally I need to take care of me. I know I am needy. In the future maybe I should just block out my schedule on my birthday so I can do something for myself. A long run, pedicure of get my own massage. That way when the Hubs forgets to even get a card, cake or flowers or make a dinner plan, I can be satisfied that I did have a good birthday, not just another normal day and not affected as much.

I hate crazy head days. One of these days I will figure out how to conquer them. As for now, I will go try to enjoy this alone time by going to bed early-ish. I have a date with my running shoes in the morning (did I mention my running buddy is also sick, yeah, she is so hence the loneliness). Good night all. Take care of you. Make your plans for you and don’t expect others to read your mind. The majority of this frustration is my expectations of the Hubs that are unrealistic and frankly unfair so I have to do better at taking care of me.

#Recomitt2016

Don’t Be Afraid

16 Monday May 2016

Posted by in Be You, Business, Do You, Don't judge me, Live in the Moment, Live life, Marriage is work, Mom Stuff, Raising Kids, Running, Schedule, Self Care, Take the time to take care of yourself, Volunteering, Working Mom

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I have gotten away from posting and/or writing everyday. I miss it! I want to write more but I am so busy, and other things get in the way. I want to take care of myself better too and the same things get in the way! It is my time! I am Ruby, I am a Mom, I am a Wife, I am a Massage Therapist and many other things. I am a woman who deserves the best from herself and I have not been giving myself the best. It is scary to leave what works and go to the unknown. I know I am better than this, I know I deserve better. I even think I know how to get it. But I am scared and as with every part of my life so far I sabotage and make excuses! STOP IT RUBY! JUST, STOP IT!

Don't be afraidI am a dreamer I believe we all deserve the best and we all are worthy but for some reason I accept less, always. Especially when it is me that is responsible for making it happen. It is so easy to stay in the now especially when things are good enough and maybe even better than most. I still sit here wanting the best, wanting more am I really capable? How can I do it? Will it really work? If not then what? Will I lose everything I have worked for so far? Probably not, but possibly. That is always possible. Am I making the best effort all the time? am I always doing my best? Am I always expecting the best or am I always accepting less? I am always accepting less, for me, I can sacrifice. As long as everyone else is happy. My best happiness does not always matter to me. I want everyone else to be happy I want them to have it easy, I will do the harder work to make you happy and hope that you will do the same for me…guess what, they don’t!

So here is my charge to myself, it is time to make the best decision for me. It is time for me to go be great! I know what I have to do. I almost know how to do it. I don’t know how I am going to but I am going to do it! I will be great. My life will be great and I will get what I deserve. I will not shy away from work to get there!

Do you need to do the same? Let’s support each other!

#DoYou2016

Not Enough Time

03 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by in Dance, Don't judge me, Running, Self Care

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Too mcuh workI am sitting here outside of the convention center in the sun. The Girl is doing her class auditions for scholarships right now. They always kick the parents out for that. I am sitting in a courtyard of sorts downtown along a marathon course so there are a few runners going by. I love running. I love race day! I usually do a 10k mid May at the Portland Rock and Roll, however they are not doing it this year. No #RocknRollPDX. It is sad. What is more sad is that I have not been running at all. I can’t figure out my schedule to fit in time to run! I have way too much going on, work, house work, grocery shopping hat is not getting done, dance for the girl, baseball for the boy…the list is endless but those are all Excuses!

I love that feeling when running a race as you run by and onlookers cheer and encourage you. The signs that encourage you to be Kenyan or the promise of beer at the end. That sweat looks sexy on you… if you have never ran a long distance race half marathon or so you have no idea but if you have you know exactly what I am talking about. I love the energy of race day! I love training runs especially the long runs along the beach in the sun on days like today! Today is beautiful! It is mid to upper 70s the sun is shining with a nice breeze.

I need to get my work shit figured out. I work too much and don’t make enough. If I can figure out a better contract I can do this. I feel my contract is good for starting out but for me it is not enough. I need to be able to live on less appointments a week. I cannot do more massage I am spent. My body is falling apart. I want time to train and to clean my house and to grocery shop. Don’t normal people have that? Some one please correct me if I am wrong I need to be corrected if I am wrong because right now I am feeling over worked and stressed and can’t do everything! I know there are people who do do it all, so someone please tell me how!!!

#Dontjudgeme2016

A Peak into my Thoughts

29 Friday Apr 2016

Posted by in Poem, Self Care

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I have pain!
Pain in my hands from working them hard
Pain in my heart from not living up to my expectations.
Pain in my bank account from not making enough or spending too much
Pain in my soul for letting people down, and for not being good enough
Pain for making mistakes,  and not being perfect

You see, my pain is heavy
You might not think so all pain is heavy
There is so much more to pain than just pain
The words you used, the WAY you said them, was hurtful to me
Even when I know that you are just trying to help and not hurt me
I still get hurt deep down it always hurts, 
That pain is heavy

Yes, I know,
Don't take things personal
But my heart takes everything personal
That is how I can be so good at what I do.
Everything is personal. 
I do for others what I would want others to do for me.
Just that is heavy

What you say, you mean that right? Oh, you were just kind of meaning it?
When you say you can't do better, so I have to instead, 
Then I try to, because I want to please you,
I want to help you when you cannot help yourself
Again THAT is too heavy! A load I should not try to carry. No one should
But I try to and it is heavy.

I never want you to see me do anything wrong
I don't like messing up, I try hard to do it right
And more than right I try to do it your way 
so that you see that I tried
Deep in my soul I know I did it right, even when you don't think so
But I can't convince myself that I am okay when you tell me to do it differently
When you say I didn't get it right
That's what I take personal, that makes it heavy.

I know deep in my soul that I am amazing
But I cannot convince my head of that!
Because I am not perfect
And you remind me of that so often.
I know you say you do not expect perfection
You say you are just trying to better me
trying to help
All I hear is your correction and feel that I did it wrong 
So therefore I am wrong
Wrong is bad
My efforts have failed! 
Even when I look at the part that did not fail 
Overall I failed.
Because I let you down on that small detail 
but it obviously is not that small to you
I am either perfect or I am wrong
When I am wrong, I am a failure.

That is what your black and white world creates in me.
Failure!
Oh yes I try, I try so hard
I believe that I (everyone) can always be better 
and yes, we always need to strive for that, BUT,
I believe there is a balance and that most of the time we are all perfect!
I believe I am better than I think I am
I believe that you think I am better than what I think you think of me
But I can't get my head to think so

Is this anxiety?
Is this Fear?
Is this my ADD?
This is my reality EVERYDAY
I struggle with this everyday! 
Everytime I forget something
Everytime I don't do it right
Everytime I have pain and have to modify because of it
I struggle everyday
I am sensitive, But that is what makes me nice, kind and loving.
It is what makes me congratulate a good hit even when it was an out
Because it was a good effort.
It is what makes me give a hug on a High Silver and say it was beautiful
Because it was beautiful.
I just wish I could believe it in my own case in my own mind
I will be the one who is that voice for those who need it
Especially because I don't have that voice on the outside

I want those perfect things 
I want to be someone who can be perfect
I want to expect to win and actually win
I want my effort that is more than the girl next to me to win
But that is not my life
Life is real, it is not fair, and effort does not ALWAYS count
I wish it did.
One thing is for sure though, even if effort doesn't count
Effort is all you have, and all you can effect
You can't change your talent (at least not in the moment), 
you can't change the guy next to you or teams around you
You can work hard, try hard and accept that was your best
Even when it is not perfect
Even when it doesn't win

Maybe one day I will get those perfect rewards
Maybe one day I will believe I am perfect
Maybe one day someone else will too.
In the mean time I will work
On letting my soul tell my heart to convince my brain
That I am perfectly me,
When no one else says so

Because I am good enough and worthy of being loved by myself!

#Recommit2016

 

Weight Goals…

24 Sunday Apr 2016

Posted by in Be You, Family, Self Care

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It’s been a while since I have talked fitness/weight loss struggle lately. I am still, like I have been for what seems like my whole life, working on getting thinner and fit! Last week was a tough week in that arena. Last week I was dragging, I so tired. I woke up with a headache 4 days out of the week. I didn’t get up early to work out like I have been. I also didn’t really follow my eating plan  either. Why is it so hard for me to take care of me?

I know that I feel better when I work out and rat right. Eating well is tough when I don’t get to the grocery store. I am probably going to start doing shopping on the weekend DS or schedule it so I can actually get it done. It’s not that tough, it just takes time.

This week I. the Facebook Change group I am in we are challenge to write down our goal for the competition as well as wake up everyday and focus on a daily goal. Well my goal for the weight challenge is to loose 5 more pounds in the next 3 weeks. I will achieve this goal by drinking mor e water, I will be drinking 90 oz a day that is 4 1/2 fills of my water bottles! I will also be getting up and working out every morning. Getting up when my alarm goes off at 4:45! I will set daily goals day by day but it will be something attainable that I can focus on and that will be positive.

Last week was rough for me. I am hoping to have a more positive week. To be successful and to look at myself positively. And to be realistic! That is my hardest task to be realistic and to be positive! I am going to work on my self talk too. I am worthy of the time and dedication it takes to take care of me!

Are you up for that challenge? It positive self talk week! Join me?

#Recomitt2016