I want love

I want to show love

I want my kids to know love

I want to love myself that is my biggest struggle

How can I feel love from someone else of I can’t love myself?

This struggle is real for me it’s what I struggle with the most.

No words of wisdom today just venting about what I want and what I believe the word needs…the answer is LOVE

It’s the Hubs’ birthday!!! We had steak and I bought a cheesecake! Yes, this Ruby, bought a cheesecake. I went to our fave restaurant in town and picked up a full cheesecake. I’m really struggling with this whole working mom thing especially with balance. I miss having time to bake and decorate a cake for the hubs on his birthday!

Today I met with two lovely ladies who are owners of a gum exoandi g in my neighborhood. They are looking for a massage therapist to partner with them and rent space in their new location. I think they are great people. I love the idea of their vibe. I love the idea of working with other health minded wellness focused people. I think working in their gym would be a good thing for my fitness and wellness. I have struggled with depression lately. Getting out if the house and working with people might be helpful. Can I balance work and home life without working from home. Could I do

Vacation gives you perspective of why you work so hard! You work hard to have the best life with those you love the most!

It’s day 6 of vacation for the Earl family! It has been so nice. Escaping reality is always good! The Hubs had been quite stressed befor we left! He needed to get away, we all did. Sometimes you get so burried with bills and work and time that you don’t have time to breathe and you can’t see the reasons why you do what you do. What’s the freaking point? When all I have to do is get up tomorrow morning and go to work then take care of what seems like an ungrateful family? To go to bed so tired and have “nothing” to show for the work I put in for the day. Sometimes adulting and life can get depressing. Especially if you don’t take time out and enjoy it. Sure, when you take that time off, you may end up with less money in the bank or a bigger credit card balance but how you feel matters more. Making memories with your family remembering that you like spending time with them. I promise you do!

My message is, yes life really sucks sometimes. The grind the lack of appreciation especially from your kids that you go through everyday! I promise, it’s worth it. You work to live and part of living costs the money that you make working but that’s why you work. Your bank account will not matter when sitting on your death bed or when you watch your daughter drive off to college.

Don’t miss the opportunity to enjoy the life you are making for your kids. This is how you appreciate your family, you spend time!

Be grateful, not every moment is promised! Be responsible, pay your bills, but don’t forget to budget time and money to enjoy your life that you are working so hard for!

I am so appreciative of the hubs who takes care of the adult things so I can dream and plan these forced times for him to take time to enjoy. Yes, sometimes I have to force him to take time out of being an adult! These moments we remind each other that we balance each other. That’s why we were attracted to each other in the first place. I love having the moments with my family!

#Springbreak2018

Hello from vacation! I want to get back to blogging and maybe vacation is the best time to get back into it. Problem is, writing takes time! Good writing takes more time and editing, even more. I want to write more. I also want to work out more and I want to spend more quality time with family. How do I get that balance in my life? Who the fuck knows! So many topics in my head that I want to write about, but not enough time.

Anyway, it is Monday of vacation, we have until Friday! So 4 more days here. We really needed a break from reality. Being at the in-laws house is a nice way to escape adulthood. Hopefully it will recharge us enough to accomplish some much needed relaxation and energy to rehab our lives, relationships and psyche in general. So far so good. It’s nice to be less on edge, we were getting to the point that everything was an emotional break down and it only took something small to open up a great big fight!

I am going back to vacay right now. I am hoping to gather as much good juju in my life and love and family. We really needed it! It’s time to be honest with ourselves and take time for ourselves and be grateful for what we have. I love my family and love my life and am happy to have the opportunity for all of us to enjoy each other!

#Vacation2018

The boy got a call home from school today. For talking loudly about blow jobs in class! Yes, my 12 year old was talking loudly in a group about blow jobs in class while he and everyone he was talking to we’re supposed to be working on their writing assessments… Which happens to be 80% of his grade! As a mom I am mortified! I am embarrassed! I am pissed that my son doesn’t even know how to hold this conversation in until lunch it keep it quiet! He has had problems with disrespect lately! He has always had a hard time knowing when things are appropriate but I would think by now he would have figured that out!

I have never talked sex with my son. The Hubs said he has been handling the birds and the bees talk… The teacher asked me to have a conversation with him so that he gets the information from a stable knowledgeable adult not another tween friend! OMG I am not ready for this! He was talking about blow jobs what the fuck am supposed to say to my 12 year old about blow jobs. My parents did not talk to me about sex at all. When I was the girls age I still didn’t know what a blow job was! They boy hasn’t even started puberty! I don’t know what the Hubs has said to him. So I am not sure what to do. Which is why I am writing now…to think it through.

My thought is I will have him read me the email that his teacher sent to me first. (The Hubs’ idea, he has great parenting instincts sometimes) That way he can’t skirt around the issue and then that would lead me down a path of honesty and “don’t lie to me” conversation and that will distract from the real issue. I will address the appropriateness of this conversation during class time and in public. I will address the volume of his voice and his cavalier attitude and flat out disrespect for the privacy of this subject.

Then I will open it up for questions that he may have. Then We will talk about sex what I think about sex and his age. How to respect women around the subject of sex. I was dumped by a boy that I would not have sex with when I was in 8th grade! I am too young to be a grandma and that will also come up in the conversation!

Lastly we will talk about respect in general. He is going to have to write me a paper about respect. What respect is. What respect means. What respect looks like. As a parent it is my goal to get my kids to respect me, authority figures, women, and rules. It is not my job to get him to like me. My goal is to teach him what respect is by showing him. He sees the Hubs and I argue a lot. We have made some mistakes in the way we are showing respect.

There are many ways to show respect. Respect your things by taking care of them. Respecting people by being nice, helping when help is needed without complaining etc… respect rules by following them. Respect women by not pushing your sexual self on them. Allowing women to have space and say in any sexual situation even if she changes her mind in the middle of it. Show respect by saying Thank you even when you are given something you didn’t want. Show respect by not talking back to someone. Using soft start ups when you bring up subjects that may be negative or complaints….

There is a lot to this tonight. I have just over an hour as he has a basket ball game tonight that I have to get him to. It needs to be address directly and respectfully. I want to go a little old school and say what my parents said “No sex until your married! DON’T GET AIDS!”  Actually that’s what the church said I added the don’t get AIDS part in my head, I really had not guidance when it came to sex and now sex is awkward to me. It’s getting more awkward now that I have kids I have to talk about sex to! I want to cry! This is too much! God must really think I am a bad ass because he only gives you what you can handle right??? I’m not ready for this. Then I am reminded where I ended up with the way I was brought up and the way the Hubs ended up the way he was brought up. Neither one of our parents talked to us about sex except to say don’t do it. We both have issues on the opposite end of the spectrum me sort of negative and prudish and the Hubs sort of Free for all freakish in his appetite and desires and expectations. We are working to get our sex drives and lives to match up, if only we could talk about sex easier it would be better. Hey maybe this will open up my closed off prudish part of me with the Hubs too….

And just like that I go to OMG I write a blog about Sex Love and Washing Clothes I have not been the best model of what a healthy sex life is not that he can read this my blog is protect 18 and over, I better check that and no one knows my real name….. I did not cause this but if there is misinformation that my son has about sex and what is okay and what is not it’s because I have not taken the time to parent him enough. It’s time to step it up Ruby! Be Bold, be honest, be loving and open and talk with your boy!

#SLWC2018

p.s. I am considering giving up this blog until they greaduate high school it’s starting to feel weird and I”m wondering if I should censor myself. What happens if they know their mom has a sometimes xrated blog. I know this is judging and it’s separate but…what if….

Happy Titties Tuesday! It is carpet cleaning day at my house! I am not even wearing a titties shirt today but every Tuesday is Titties Tuesday, right? It is for me especially when you are packing around these DDDs…..

Anyway, getting the carpets cleaned today has made me realize that there is a lot of random clutter than needs to be gone through in this house. The house is pretty well put together and organized but small pieces of clutter have piled up around the edges and what great opportunity to get it out of here before putting it back after the carpets are clean!

Today I have spent some time marketing. I did my first Facebook live video! I think I had two viewers which I am okay with since I am super new and not super comfortable with everything yet. It was good. I applied my new makeup told why I was doing this side business and plugged my massage business. I enjoyed the live video. I just talked like there was someone right there next to me watching me put on my make up! A little tutorial while I was doing it as well. It was fun. Next time will be better, I just have to decide how often to do that. The marketing world is moving to video, so it’s time to get comfortable in front of the camera. Now, I just have to figure out how to incorporate video more in my massage business as well.

What are you doing for Titties Tuesday? We are doing a family night movie tonight and then after the movie and bed time for the kids, The Hubs and I will have to make a Titties Tuesday event! Maybe we can go out to our favorite Brewery and grab their Special Brew with Chocolate pairing before they run out. This will be our first date night since Dry January and I have to say, I am looking forward to it. I am hoping for less drama and relaxation from the Hubs.

In general, I am trying to get comfortable with my current existence right now. Massage is super slow so I am trying embracing the homemaker side. (Like getting the carpets cleaned and decluttering.) I was going to bake today but decided to clean up the kitchen first, then realized I didn’t have time to before I have to go get the Girl at school. I have been trying to honor myself and giving myself space to feel my emotions and figure out what it is that I want to do with me. Do I want to be business woman me and run a Private Practice or do I want to run this house. The business needs more attention from me if I am going to do that. I am not good at being a home maker.

Maybe this side business deal is what will work, however I am not a good sales person! I promote women feeling better and self care not a make up product, or any product, same thing with Essential Oils. I love to introduce things to women that might help their lives be healthier or prettier or make them feel better but to close that sale…that’s not me. I just want to make women feel better, have more confidence, love themselves better and in turn love their families better!

That is why I started this blog! The Hubs is right, for me it’s all about Feels. Fortunately, I have a husband who has a job that affords e eh opportunity that I can do that, have a job where I focus on the feels and don’t have to focus on the money. But money would help how can I get a well paying job and worry about the feels and not the logistics of money, sales and recruiting clients?….I will continue doing what I am doing right now, because today for the first time in a long time it feels right today.

#SLWC2018

I forgot to blog earlier. It was day one of the girl’s competition weekend. Solo day! She did awesome. There was a part in the dance that she really put in the emotion. It was like she got comfortable and it finally clicked how to emote on stage it was beautiful! She scored a Gold medal which means she scored somewhere between 90-93 out of a possible 100. Pretty good kid! More on this tomorrow.

Shit, forgot to write earlier. I’m working on it people…the whole getting it done earlier, being faster when I write and being meaningful as well.

Today was a sad day, no Seahawks football and the second to last football game of the year 😦 it’s Championship Sunday, the NFC and AFC crowned their champs and who will represent them in the Superbowl… The team I wanted to win didn’t win, hell, they weren’t even there.

The Hubs and I continue with Dry January. I am about to abandon it because well, I like drinking with the Hubs and he doesn’t like going out if we aren’t drinking and I miss the time away and the connection we get by being away and date nights! He doesn’t want to go to a bar and not drink alcohol, he thinks it’s rude to the bar owners. However, where the hell are you going to go on a date at 9:00 on a Tuesday (or really any day we live in a small town not much to do here) if you’re not going to a bar? A 24 hour gym is about all we got but even that is not as much fun. We don’t match fitness levels at all. And we live in Fucking Western Washington where it fucking rains all the time! Yes, it makes it beautiful and green, but for walks along the water or outside around the block even is a no go in wind and rain. I miss date nights we have got to figure out a new way!!! I want our time back!

We did play Mario Brothers with the kids this evening that was fun! We have had a lot of family time this year, it’s been great! We did have our family dinner at the table so that’s a win on the weekly schedule there! Still need a few two a days to get back to square on that everyday goal, but I know that won’t be tough to get. My alarm is set for 4:40am so I can make it to the 5:30 Spin class. Fitness goals are on track (except for the running 50 miles in January…we’ll see how many I can get in)

Keep those goals in sight and hurry up SuperBowl, get here so I can have a drink and go out with the Hubs again! I miss our selfies, our fun talks, connection, karaoke and dancing… And just straight fun with the Hubs.

#SLWC2018

Today is the Boy’s Birthday!!!! He is deciding to stay up until he is “officially” 12…which means 11:56 pm. He came into the world fast! Water broke at 11:27 he was born at 11:56 on a Friday the 13th! Today the girl had a dance competition so they Boy and The Hubs went to dinner with Grandma to celebrate, but waited for us to get home for cake.

He had cheese cake, his request, from last night they were at the grocery store picking up dinner ingredients, he decided he would rather get a store bought cake, than have me make one. He probably was worried I would not have had time to bake a cake by tonight anyway, he would have been right. He said I can bake a cake for his party day! I felt a little sad he didn’t want a cake made by me, but I know he was either looking out for me knowing I didn’t have time or this was him guaranteeing there would be a birthday cake there for him. At least he is learning that in life you make decisions of what you want regardless of if it will hurt your mom’s feelings.

I guess it didn’t hurt my feelings just my ego a little. I love making the kids birthday cakes. It is very time consuming, which time is something I don’t have much of lately. I love that the boy is flexible and not so demanding. For him, cake is cake and spending time with the family and having fun eating cake is what he wants. He’s a good kid! I love his heart and his personality. Here’s to hoping I don’t damage him too much more in the next 6 years and he stays awesome! Happy Birthday Boy, love you!

#SLWC2018