Tag Archives: ADD

To drug or not to drug….

11 Sunday Jun 2017

Posted by in Be You, Do You, Don't judge me, Kids, Live in the Moment, Mom Stuff, Parenting, Working Mom

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This video (click to view link) hits home for me! So much shame in my life not as a child but as an adult, I was diagnosed as an adult with ADD! I  feel, I made it through as a child because I am a people pleaser so being a good student and approval from teachers when I did well is what drove me and made me succeed. Thank goodness I am pretty smart and Thank goodness I had great teachers and parents who gave me that approval!!

ADDSince being diagnosed, I have not found a medication that works for me. I kind of have something against taking medication. I don’t really know what, but I just don’t want to admit to myself and everyone else that I have to take medication to be normal! I also think I don’t want to admit there is a normal and that I’m not normal! I kind of hate that word “normal” it is what most “normal” people think is normal and if you have ADD, it is not “normal” for your brain to function as a “normal” person’s brain functions. Your brain does not decipher a hierarchy of things that are important or stay focused on the task at hand or manage time well. A person with ADD has to remind their mind what the task at hand is. We, ADD folks are great at living in the moment! I am a great forgiver! I forgive a lot of times when I probably shouldn’t. I think of something that would be a great idea and I jump on it! If I have time (or if I perceive I have time or if it is really important or interesting or something that I perceive as pressing) I get on it right away, I don’t want to forget about it. Forgetfulness is a big part of ADD. A lot of people see it as a kid who can’t sit still or walk, they always run….it is so much more than that! Do I want my brain to function like “normal”? Won’t that change me? As much as I “hate” myself and they way my brain works, I don’t want “me” to change. See my dilemma?…

I have self medicated with food and sometimes alcohol and thank goodness I have stayed away from illegal drugs, credit to the DARE program for that! But taking the stigma off of “drugs” proven to help ADHD’ers would definitely change my world of shame… So much shame in my life. My son is just like me, forgetful, figgidity, and impulsive….. Not driven as much by people pleasing but then again his dad and I are tough on him so he doesn’t get the praise as much as I did, and he is just like his dad, he is confident almost a little arrogant. He is more solid in what he likes and who he is. It’s not as important to him to impress people the way it was (and still is) to me. I worry about my son turning into me or worse than me. I have a husband who keeps me straight. He pays the bills, I would struggle remembering those things. Will my son be able to do those things that are important. Will my son remember to turn in his homework?… does he need medication? Do I? Will it help? How can I tell? I should get my shit together first before diagnosing or assuming anything about him. ADD is genetic as much as the color of your eyes, of course one of the kids has it but what to do???

So many questions all I know is that, this video hit home. Lot’s of things in my life right now are up in the air and there are a lot of questions in my not so distant future. Lot’s of decisions that can alter my life’s direction. ADD is a big deal to me, it is a big frustration in our lives. Actually our lives are complicated, every parents life is complicated, ADD makes it more difficult. Medication is not for everyone, acceptance is. I have neither for myself and here I am without a mom to drive me to a psychologist like the girl in the video I am an adult now trying to navigate and wanting so badly a mommy to tell me what the right direction is and take me there! I was not diagnosed as having ADD as a 6 year old but right now I feel like it has reduced me to a 6 year old, in that I don’t know what to do, and I can’t function but please don’t treat me like a child!!!

If this is a little disjointed, think of it as a taste of how an ADD brain works…very disjointed distracted and impulsive…..lacking direction sometimes…..wanting so badly to get noticed and get my point across and be understood but lacking the brain function and organization to do so…. and add to that, trying to do it in a short amount of time because of course I didn’t give myself enough time, it was an impulsive moment that I had something to say!

#ADDbrain

Stress over reacting and ADD…

02 Wednesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Connection, Marriage is hard, Working Mom

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Crazy annoying ADD day for me! Not to mention an argument with the Hubs about something stupid. Hello this is me over reacting due to stress! I am so over working two jobs. I snap at the kids, I sound like a crazy bitch to the Hubs and he doesn’t understand my insecurity about the fact that I feel insecure that I am dropping the ball on my mom/wife/homemaker roll.  All my stuff that is giving me a huge amount of grief…for what?!

image

It's too late for me to figure out how to open this photo to save it so screen shot will do.

Anyway it’s too late for me to think and make sense! Hopefully you all had a better day than I and hopefully tomorrow is better…

Is it too late for Attitude adjustment sex? Because I really need that!

#Everyday2015

I Am Crying and I Don’t Know Why

16 Thursday Jul 2015

Posted by in Be You, Family, Love

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I am having a rough day for some reason. I had to do a Magnesium Citrate Cleanse today. Recently, I have been having some digestive issues and the first step is “cleaning out” which totally sucks. Here goes over sharing… I have been having bouts of pain and constipation coupled with pain and diarrhea. I just want to be able to eat and feel normal not have to run to the bathroom in pain after meals, sometime I am fine after others.

In the midst of today after drinking this Magnesium Citrate concoction I have been really emotional. I have read about “The Second Brain” and we all have seen the affects hunger can have on people (Hanger). All that comes from the gut. Too much science for me to quote in this blog as I am too lazy to call up the research but you can Bing it yourself. But I have been emotional all day. Crying for no reason! My body is obviously lacking serotonin or some other neurotransmitters are reacting and I am having emotional response.

I just want this ship righted! I want to be able to eat and not fear not being close to a bathroom and I want my moods to regulate. And I don’t want to have to work too hard at that! Why can’t I just be NORMAL?! Why do I have to deal with this? I have ADD, forgetfulness, disorganization and now pain and pooping at really inconvenient times! I can’t even eat healthy to void this as it seems salads and veggies are just as bad as greasy foods but not always…So annoying! I have tried to follow what is causing this digestive uproar but I can’t figure it out!

Sometimes you just need to cryWhat I have figured out is that this cleanse today has created emotions in me that I can’t understand or control. I really have no reason to be sad or depressed but have been crying for no reason. The Hubs got home to intercept a crying spell. He was dumbfounded not knowing what to do or say. He just held me while I cried. He carefully did say, “I don’t know what is going on” “I mean you have no reason to be sad, I am not mad or you or holding anything against you.” I said “I know, I honestly don’t know where this is all coming from” it is just there! I am crying and don’t know why! So I will just let myself cry I figure that will help if I just let myself be where I am. I am emotional, I don’t know why. So who cares, I know that I need to cry so I will just let it go. I will accept myself where I am and try not to judge or label my feelings and/or emotions and just let them flow.

I hope that this “cleanse” helps or at least helps get me on track to figure out what the hell is going on with my body! And leads to a solution of why I am gaining weight, having inconvenient digestive issues and weird emotions. Hopefully soon I will get answers but for now I will just say today was a rough day but I am thankful I have The Hubs there for me! I just love him!

#Everyday2015

Stay In The Moment

12 Tuesday May 2015

Posted by in Be Present, Be You, Do Your Thing, Washing Clothes

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Happy Monday after Mother’s Day! I hope everyone had a great weekend. I did. I have been trying to enjoy the moments in my life a bit more. As I get super busy and overwhelmed I realized that I need to back off of my Facebook time! It is stealing minutes and hours and sometimes days of my life. I go to look up something like what time is Suzy’s party this weekend and get distracted with everyone’s status updates and before I know it I have been sitting in my garage after dropping off my kids at school for 45 minutes and I have to be somewhere in 15! So now I am running late and still haven’t figured out what time Suzy’s party is this weekend! Which means I haven’t called a babysitter and will have to look it up and probably do the same thing later! Ignore the noiseHave I told you I have ADD? So I am working at being more specific with my time and staying more focused.

Focus and Follow through are the things I struggle with the most! I always have great intentions and good ideas but I either forget or I think about them when I am driving or lying in bed and can’t do anything about them. What I should do is write it down and look at the list I make the next day or some specified time to follow through.

Also need to stop procrastinating. I tend to procrastinate a lot of things. Things that might be hard or uncomfortable or that I think will be hard or uncomfortable. However I am really productive under pressure! Even when it is something important or something I want to do, I put it off and then the ‘deadline’ gets close or even as time goes by I start to feel the pressure and then and only then do I get the drive to focus and do it. It is that ‘hyper focus’ phase of ADD, yes this is a real thing! It is so frustrating!

Biggest lieAnyway I am going to take this Sex Love and Washing Clothes moment to Focus and follow through! Write lists and follow them! PRIORITIZE!!! That is a big struggle for me is prioritization! I need to get in exercise, my blog and cleaning my house during the days I need to get volunteer stuff accomplished and I need to work, I need me time and husband time and kids time and fun time…But what is the most important? Who the Fuck knows?! Facebook and social media is not on that list. Facebook time is nice but I need to limit that, so that I can get the above stuff accomplished!

Here’s to looking ‘up’ more than looking down at the phone! Today I started bartending school (the reason I have not posted this earlier) so here is to studying all these drink recipes! Have a great day everyone!

#Everyday2015

Why Can’t I Defeat the “Squirrel Affect” From ADD

01 Friday May 2015

Posted by in #Everyday2015, Be You, Cakes, Just Do It, Love, Washing Clothes

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Today is Friday! Yesterday we spent the evening with a very close friend for his birthday! Then we went out to our favorite ‘watering hole’ and had a few more drinks! It was a fun date night. We ran into a few friends sang some karaoke and just had fun! We had some Tequila and we came home before I had too many (seems like a rare date night occurrence lately) and had a great time before we went to sleep if you know what I mean! It was a great evening couldn’t go further without talking about it.

Today is Friday! Tomorrow is The Girl’s Birthday! She is going to be 11! OMG how the heck did that happen? I am of course making her cake and have not got a head start. It is baking in the oven as we speak and it is currently almost 2:00! I am so far behind today! I love baking for my kids they are the reason why I started ever decorating cakes. The Girls first birthday was my first cake, it was a dragonfly! This one is going to be a Topsy Turvy Colorful Polka Dot Cake. Red Velvet with caramel filling and Cream Cheese Frosting Covered in Fondant.

She is having her sleep over today. The friends will be dropped of at 8:00 which means that I have until then to finish the cake and get the house ready for a party! I have had only one regular cake to make this week. A pretty busy but fairly normal week and some catching up from last week’s cake adventure and I have not gotten caught up! The cake is baking in the oven right now! Why can’t I be organized. I did a pretty good job last week. The difference, I had the whole week laid out on Monday. I had a plan! This week I did not have a plan I was kind of flying by the seat of my pants a bit. I had an idea of what I needed to get done but did not have a plan like I did last week.

ADD lots and lotsThis is a casualty of my ADD! I hate it! It tells me I really need to set up structure for myself at the beginning of each week and maybe even each day. I could use my writing for this each morning write a plan of my day and set it up but that may get boring for you readers! There has got to be a way for me to get myself more focused and actually get shit done! I am getting a bit frustrated with myself as I write because I feel like I sound so stupid and disorganized or maybe even lazy!

Anyway I have Cream Cheese Frosting to make, a house to clean and a cake to finish. Don’t have a whole lot of time to write too much more! I just have to get thinking what can I do on a daily basis to make things happen that need to happen. I like to say “Just do it” but sometimes there needs to be more direction or breakdown of what needs to get done and what order and how to do it that is an efficient way! I know I can do this I kept my family sane and house fairly clean all while making a cake to feed 300 people! Why can’t I just keep the house clean, bake on small cake and keep the house clean and have time to get groceries and get in my half marathon training too?! …I guess there is a lot on that list isn’t there? I may need to expand my expectations for the time that I have!

Add squirrelFor all you ADD overwhelmed folks like me just keep going. Sometimes it is hard you just have to pick something to do and do it. I get so overwhelmed and even trying to pick what I am going to do first is a huge debate in my head. I am working on it with my therapist. Right now I am going to go do dishes, then clean the rest of the kitchen, then move to the dining room and living room last. For me and my ADD brain, making a list (and feeding myself some coffee to perk up my energy) is key! That list needs to be written down on the white board or my phone or on paper if it is in my head it gets lost in the spider web of the rest of my brainstorm! Also a few drops of Young Living Essential Oils: Brain Power, Vetiver, Cedarwood, and Lavender to name a few.

happiness writing a listAbove all what I need to do is accept myself and love me for me and for what I have done well, today! I did get to have lunch with the Girl at school, took cupcakes in and collected some money for the Boy’s baseball Bat-a-thon fundraiser. Now off to finish this sprint of cleaning and decorating a cake before the kids show up! Love yourself, everyone, even when it’s not your best day! Cake just came out of the oven! I had time to write this post while it baked. Going to go work on that list! Happy list making and crossing off things now!

#Everyday2015