I’ve had a rough week. I miss my people and miss blogging. I am trying to fit it in my life more. However this week was rough. There is so much I want to write about and then I stop myself if I write about it it will be team and I am not ready for that! So I will leave you with this. I’m trying to be positive, there are so many negative places to go. I promised a friend I would take care of myself, I am. I promised myself this blog would be to help and reach out to others and that I wouldn’t miss too many days! So here’s a quote to think about and let’s raise our glasses to keep on keeping on. Don’t give up on yourself people. Love yourself respect yourself and love each other!
Frustrated, get organized, HELP, I want what I want and that is to be happy in my job, Just Keep Swimming, One I can figure it out, One task at a time, Warning: a bit negative today, Work stress, You have to know what you want
Today is my Tuesday, my day to do house work, work out, rest, grocery shop and regroup myself. Which usually ends up being a day I get absolutely nothing accomplished. It is 10:49am I have gotten a few email sent, and looked up some info that I needed. I still need to workout, I need to shop, I need to clean, and I have a meeting with a friend of mine for some minor business planning type stuff, which takes away time to do just that. I am sitting down to blog because I need to, for my sanity!
I have been having some stress at my massage job. Some scheduling issues that are sort of out of my control as I do not do the scheduling. I have had ‘meetings’ with the boss, office mananger and the front desk staff, with little to no changes. I feel like there have been excuses and maybe unintentional lies about the policy and procedure we are going to follow. Do I want to have the awkward conversation one more time? Who do I do it with? Maybe the Doc, the other therapist and I. Maybe the Doc and the office manager and I, Maybe just the Doc again or maybe I wait to see if a couple more days to give the office manager time to chat with the Doc and see if that will get a policy going… I am not one for confrontation. Yesterday I posted about not asking why do I have to deal with this and why can’t I have what I want but asking How can I get what I want? So now is time for planning.
My Plan: right now is to wait out this week. See if the changes we have spoken about actually happen. Or chatting with my boss, the Doctor I work for, about leasing my office and doing my own scheduling. Then I would have control. If a client really needs me to come in early or work late I would be able to make that decision vs the office deciding to schedule with the other therapist. However, I would also have to do my own billing and everything else as well. My goal for this post was to situate my thoughts and that is not happening! I need to know what I want before I decide how to make that plan. Maybe my business meeting this afternoon will help me focus….If I have time I will finish this later. No time to sit around like this! I need to be productive! I am so stressed and frustrated that this is causing such stress. I have the rest of my life to focus on and tasks to accomplish, as if that is not enough!
Apologies for no advice or positive spin or anything that is inspiring in this post other than stop stressing worrying or “planning” when you’ve got nothing to go off of….so here I go to get my shit done! Take it one task at a time!
Not sure I can do this!!! Yes I can Yes I can yes I can!
Today I woke up feeling worse than the rest of the week! What the fuck?! Seriously I have taken two days off and I should be feeling better! But, no!
The Girl said I HAD to go to the doctor today! She said “Mommy, you need to get better, NOW!” So I told her I would go to Urgent Care then she started crying. We were laying in my bed I had yet to get up and I wanted to cry because I felt so crappy. What the Heck? “Why are you crying?” I inquired to her. She said she didn’t know. Then after a few minutes she said “maybe, I just don’t want you to have to have a surgery” well, little does she know that’s not how you have surgery. LOL it was sweet that she was concerned and touched my heart to see her so worked up over me not being 100%. It broke my heart to see her crying out of worrying about me. So I decided I must go now. If she came home from school and I told her I didn’t go to the doctor she would be so upset, then if it was something then she would be even more mad!
Doctor said it’s a Virus! FUCK!!! That means I just wasted my time driving out here waiting then driving back home to be told rest and wait it out!
I guess there is something calming about knowing I don’t have pneumonia or something bronchial that can’t heal on its own. However, had I not gone to the doctors I would have gotten more rest.
So here I sit after coming home taking a nap and then going through with some errands, actually volunteer work for football, I love being equipment manager this weekend is football gear check in and tonight I got there to realize that the clubhouse has flooded! UGH, more work, I love being equipment manager, no, really I do. If I didn’t enjoy it I would not do it, it is just a lot of time and work…did I mention unpaid even while sick! Anyway we are closer to being ready than we would be if I hadn’t gone in.
Now I need to rest. I am hoping to get up in the morning batteries charged and ready to face my 4 massage day. The Doc O work for said to assess myself that I feel good and am 100%. He made a good point “if you look like poop and feel like poop, your clients will see that you are not up to par” basically saying don’t come in sick. It is important to always put your best foot forward! And if you can’t stay home to get well! So I am going to do that. Turn off the phone lay head on pillow and get your rest, Ruby! Your body needs to heal and can’t when you burn the candle at both ends! So good night folks.
Happy Tuesday! Today is the first day in two weeks or so that I haven’t had an appointment or had to be somewhere until later today. I have a hard time getting going. I am so tired. I think that my body just kind of collapsed since I had no schedule today at least not until later. It happens a lot. I have a hard time getting going when I have no schedule. I wish I could just get my self going. This is one reason I need a schedule but also, down time is needed too. It is all about balance.
I have a hard time achieving balance. I always have! I over do it all the time! I am either over doing it or undergoing it! Why can’t I just get my shit together and be balanced? I know this is a struggle for more people than just me! It is something that I want to work on for sure! I always struggle with balance. I want to live in the moment more to enjoy what I have right now but I fail to prepare for dinner. I want to lose weight so I cut out crabs and sweets and then I can’t just let myself have a little bit of cake I end up eating a whole cake! I am doing better with this one: I go out with friends for dinner and drinks and end up hung over (like I said I am doing better with this one but still…a struggle). I want to work out and be healthy so I do half marathons and if I don’t have time for a 5 mile run I decide I don’t have time to work out. Seriously this is annoying. I am annoying to myself in these situations and I don’t really even know what the answer is. Yes I do, the answer is balance.
I am just venting, getting this off my chest. One day I will figure it out, I hope. I know preparation is key. Planning is key but that takes time and attentions span that doesn’t come naturally to me. I just have to sit down and plan and focus on what is important. Stay in the moment but don’t forget to plan dinner or that you have a budget. Any exercise is better than no exercise forget the ego of having to go for a long run and just run! I live on a pretty easy and pretty nice two mile loop that will take less than a half hour I can get that in everyday without tanking my day. There are a lot of easy solutions like this. I need to be mindful of what I want in life and the results I want out of each day. I need to not over commit myself, that is probably not going to happen so, I need to plan my life to make life easier and better and healthier!
The good part is these are easy fixes in my life. I can do it! I just have to stop getting overwhelmed and stop and look at what is in front of me and what I want out of each day, situation, and be more efficient. I can do it! So can you! Now, after I take a nap I will get going on today….LOL jk.
Today is Friday! Yesterday we spent the evening with a very close friend for his birthday! Then we went out to our favorite ‘watering hole’ and had a few more drinks! It was a fun date night. We ran into a few friends sang some karaoke and just had fun! We had some Tequila and we came home before I had too many (seems like a rare date night occurrence lately) and had a great time before we went to sleep if you know what I mean! It was a great evening couldn’t go further without talking about it.
Today is Friday! Tomorrow is The Girl’s Birthday! She is going to be 11! OMG how the heck did that happen? I am of course making her cake and have not got a head start. It is baking in the oven as we speak and it is currently almost 2:00! I am so far behind today! I love baking for my kids they are the reason why I started ever decorating cakes. The Girls first birthday was my first cake, it was a dragonfly! This one is going to be a Topsy Turvy Colorful Polka Dot Cake. Red Velvet with caramel filling and Cream Cheese Frosting Covered in Fondant.
She is having her sleep over today. The friends will be dropped of at 8:00 which means that I have until then to finish the cake and get the house ready for a party! I have had only one regular cake to make this week. A pretty busy but fairly normal week and some catching up from last week’s cake adventure and I have not gotten caught up! The cake is baking in the oven right now! Why can’t I be organized. I did a pretty good job last week. The difference, I had the whole week laid out on Monday. I had a plan! This week I did not have a plan I was kind of flying by the seat of my pants a bit. I had an idea of what I needed to get done but did not have a plan like I did last week.
This is a casualty of my ADD! I hate it! It tells me I really need to set up structure for myself at the beginning of each week and maybe even each day. I could use my writing for this each morning write a plan of my day and set it up but that may get boring for you readers! There has got to be a way for me to get myself more focused and actually get shit done! I am getting a bit frustrated with myself as I write because I feel like I sound so stupid and disorganized or maybe even lazy!
Anyway I have Cream Cheese Frosting to make, a house to clean and a cake to finish. Don’t have a whole lot of time to write too much more! I just have to get thinking what can I do on a daily basis to make things happen that need to happen. I like to say “Just do it” but sometimes there needs to be more direction or breakdown of what needs to get done and what order and how to do it that is an efficient way! I know I can do this I kept my family sane and house fairly clean all while making a cake to feed 300 people! Why can’t I just keep the house clean, bake on small cake and keep the house clean and have time to get groceries and get in my half marathon training too?! …I guess there is a lot on that list isn’t there? I may need to expand my expectations for the time that I have!
For all you ADD overwhelmed folks like me just keep going. Sometimes it is hard you just have to pick something to do and do it. I get so overwhelmed and even trying to pick what I am going to do first is a huge debate in my head. I am working on it with my therapist. Right now I am going to go do dishes, then clean the rest of the kitchen, then move to the dining room and living room last. For me and my ADD brain, making a list (and feeding myself some coffee to perk up my energy) is key! That list needs to be written down on the white board or my phone or on paper if it is in my head it gets lost in the spider web of the rest of my brainstorm! Also a few drops of Young Living Essential Oils: Brain Power, Vetiver, Cedarwood, and Lavender to name a few.
Above all what I need to do is accept myself and love me for me and for what I have done well, today! I did get to have lunch with the Girl at school, took cupcakes in and collected some money for the Boy’s baseball Bat-a-thon fundraiser. Now off to finish this sprint of cleaning and decorating a cake before the kids show up! Love yourself, everyone, even when it’s not your best day! Cake just came out of the oven! I had time to write this post while it baked. Going to go work on that list! Happy list making and crossing off things now!
I have felt bad about myself lately. I want to be better at cleaning and have the house organized. I want to motivate myself on the days I don’t feel motivated. I have felt that even when I try so hard to do a good job it is still not good enough! What am I missing. Where is the acceptance that I have been working so hard at giving myself? I think part of it is that I am making myself compare to other people. What they think about me and what I think about them. I have a friend who is a stay at home mom and she is very organized always gorgeous and I am sure her house is organized with baskets in the pantry and never has to rush around to find socks for her elementary school kids and never fights with her husband or yells at her kids. I want to be her!
However I am almost 99% sure that in real life that is not her experience either. I will never be “Her” and she probably isn’t “Her” either. I just have this perception of perfection that is unrealistic. The Hubs says to me a lot that I can do better. He has great ideas but for some reason I cannot ever work the way he suggests. Why? Because I am me. He has a great problem solving brain and his brain solves problems the way he would work. I have a great problem solving brain and great ideas that will work, but my brain lacks follow through which comes with my ADD. That’s not an excuse, just harsh reality. I think I can train it to be better at follow through, I just have to do it, right? It sucks and I hate it! Which is one of the reasons I am going back to work. I am a massage therapist. I work really well 1 hour at a time. I have an hour to work on one body and do what I know to help relieve pain, increase Range Of Motion, and increase relaxation. I love being a massage therapist. I am hoping that going back to work helps me to feel better about me because it will give me something to do that I am good at and know that I am good at, and I will get that from my work, hopefully.
They say if you try to judge a fish by how well it can climb a tree it will always feel like a failure. So I think that is one reason I feel like I am never good enough. I am like that fish, I am trying to be good at something I am not made for. The ability of a fish to climb a tree is irrelevant and does not make him good or bad. I need to stop trying to please all the stay at home mom haters out there. I try to be this great Suzy homemaker, Stepford wife when that is just not me.
I am a wife that loves to satisfy my husband, not by having a spotless house but by giving him an orgasm every night. I even stretch my comfort zone of sexual acts that I sometimes might not be my first choice but they are his and I know he likes them. I do it, within my discretion and my choice of course. I am the wife that plans dates and weekends away and babysitters so we can have our one on one time. I gave my kids the early bedtime when they were babies so that the Hubs and I could have time to eat dinner together sans crying baby in the room. The Girl was colicky and cried a lot, I sensed early on that the Hubs needed some adult time with me when our daughter was very young. I wanted to make sure our baby didn’t tear us apart because she was a needy baby. So I found a way to not lose us and not let him be on the back burner which is what happens to a lot of dads of young babies. Some of those men can handle it more than others. I know my husband and I know me and I know my kids. I have managed them all pretty well I think. We are a fairly happy family everyone has their moments. I make my husband his favorite food as often as he tells me what he wants. I make him awesome drinks after a long day at work. I do my best to spoil and satisfy him. Would he like the house cleaner? Yes. I do try extra hard and when it gets real bad and I can tell he really needs me to put in some time and get it taken care of…I do push harder then to get it done. He likes the things I do for him as well, if he had to pick he would probably pick good sex over a clean house. He has told me on a few occasions if we have sex like that I don’t care what the house looks like. The sad part is that I cannot do it all! I am trying my best but I have to stop being a fish and trying to climb trees. I must keep swimming giving my best efforts to what I know, love and am good at, and just keep my head above water on the rest of it.
So I will fuck my husband like crazy, as much as I physically can. I will do the best I can to clean up as I go and love him in a way that makes him feel loved and me feel accepted by myself. We are all a work in progress and we all must learn to manage what we are good at and get through the rest. I love my husband and my family and love being the homemaker. To be a good homemaker you do not have to have a spotless house! Love the fish in your family and don’t make them feel bad that they can’t climb trees! So I will go make love and hopefully that will stop some of the stress wars before they start. As we always say we would rather fuck than fight anyway! ❤