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New Start, Old Beginning

02 Saturday Mar 2019

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Be Present, Business, Everyday, Family, Live in the Moment, Marriage, Marriage is hard, Marriage is work, Mom Stuff, Organization, Raising Kids, Sex, Sex Love and Washing Clothes, Take the time to take care of yourself, Washing Clothes, Working Mom

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Blogging, Love, Love yourself, New Beginnings, Writing

I titled today’s entry before I started to write. Normally I write and then pick a title. Today I have decided to start new, but it is an old beginning. I have had this beginning a lot. The I’m tired of fucking it up and want to get back on track. It has been a while since I have sat down to write. I have been busy doing what feels like spinning my wheels. I started blogging back in 2015 as a stay at home mom who was trying to encourage tried and weiry moms that it’s okay to “just be a mom” but shortly into 2015 I went back to work because well, our family needed the financial help and because I wanted to be more than “just a mom”. Sort of felt and still feels a little hypocritical. Old beginning because well, I have been here so many times before.Don't be afraid

I had a mission with this blog to help moms and dads stay in their marriage. At the time the Hubs and I had great sex but a rocky relationship. There were many times we kept our relationship together with just great sex. There was a lot left to be desired in our lives. We had communication issues that we were working on, as many busy parents with busy children have. We were and still are today stretched very thin! Sex was the one thing we could do that we both enjoyed without having to have much discussion and when I decided to have sex everyday in 2015 the Hubs was thrilled at the thought of not having to wonder when the next time he was going to get it. For the most part 2015 worked really well. The first part of 2016 was pretty good to but towards the end of that year it was a struggle. I had decided to move into private practice with my massage career and spent a lot of time working on my business which caused a lot of strain between the Hubs and I. That year ended really badly. I try not to say things are bad but at that time things were bad. I had felt like a fraud like I had wrote this blog all of 2015 and most of 2016 oh how to keep things together and make my marriage work and my plan had failed.  We were falling apart, it was almost the end of us. We decided to stay together, to work through our stuff and then another new old beginning.

Then 2017 went on rebuilding I decided to move my private practice home. The best of both worlds right? Well towards the end of 2017 another event happened that strained our relationship. Different but just as much of a strain and then that was almost the demise of us all of the struggles of 2016 came back in flashbacks and sorrow and just plain struggle. All the while we still maintained weekly date nights and tried to do the best we could with nightly sex and connecting but there were parts of both of us that were just unconnected, bitter and angry. We were also both remorseful for our roles in the fallout. We were sorry we were sad and missed each other like we had been on two separate continents! So decided to put it all behind us and onto another new but old beginning.

Then the start of 2018 we decided once again, we are here for the long haul. There is something to be said for two stubborn people being married and valuing their commitment made to each other! We have stayed our course through many very, oh so bumpy stretch of road the last few years. Maybe it’s maturity and maybe we are finally starting to “get” each other and fully commit to respect and love and cherish each other, it finally feels like we are moving on and getting over some of the same struggles we kept coming back to. Now, here in 2019 we can go weeks without fights. We even can have a spat and let it go with out dragging it on for hours or days and not resulting in the using the “D” word. We don’t have sex everyday but when we do it is good for both of us! I am considering a new #everyday challenge but I don’t want it to become a job again. In 2015 it was good, 2016 it was feeling more like a job and 2017 was just bad and 2018 the theme was “what happened to 2015?” But here in 2019 we are enjoying each other more, respecting each other more, loving each other more and having sex with each other more. Yes 2019 is still young and fresh and new but we are getting back to us! It has taken a while but we are doing well!

So that’s where the New Start, Old Beginning is, maybe it’s not such an old beginning, maybe this one is new it just gets old starting over again. Still the same: I am still working on my weight issues, still trying to decide what to do with my practice. Agonizing everyday if I am making the right parenting decisions and trying to convince the Hubs to get a dog and go house shopping or renovate ours. We have a lot to be happy about there is a lot going on here! As I sit back and look at things, I think why didn’t we just keep going with 2015? We got busy. Life gets crazy. Maybe we even got lazy or went on auto pilot. You can’t just sit back and let life take you where you want to go. Because unless you are driving the car it has a mind of it’s own and this girl wants to drive the direction I want to. The direction that will take my family in the right direction. For me, For the Hubs and for the kids. I am not a fan of this Old Beginning lets have a new beginning, start over on a new path!

One big thing I have struggled with is deciding what makes me tick. What do I want? I have spent so many years taking care of my family as a mom that I don’t even know what I want. I know I was insanely happy in the stroller days of my kids. Being able to load them in the stroller and go for a run. We would go pick up groceries in the stroller my house was not clean and my kids were very giddy and happy all the time. I can’t have those days back but I want that happiness back. Do I need to run more? Not worry about cleaning as much? I have started the Marie Kondu method but I just did my closets but now I’ve got to do my whole house.

So this year I want to find my passion. I love massage but it gives me stress billing and being a business owner, so can that really be my passion? I love to workout and exercise especially running and doing races but that doesn’t make me money to help with finances. I love and miss dancing but finances and time? I love to sing! I have spent more time singing karaoke and not missing the chance to sing than anything, how can I do that more? I miss writing here in my blog! I miss the words flowing really easily (can you tell?)

I told the boy yesterday that he had to decide to work hard when he is in a game. It is a conscious choice you have to make. Get up and grind and work hard but for me I struggle with that. So many different hats that I wear I struggle deciding where to put that effort. Not to mention I have ADD which does not help. This is my goal, this is my passion for this year, to find my passion and live it to the fullest! Doing it all while loving, taking care of and protecting my family. Balancing work life: growing a business, family life: getting everyone where they need to be when they need to be there, feeding them healthy meals and communicating all of that to the Hubs to get help from him and then not forgetting to cultivate our relationship in communication as well as sexualization. I want us to be happy these last few years before the kids leave us and give our kids a happy healthy place to live.

Is it doable? I believe so I will take you along on this journey this year and I will keep writing as this helps me process my thoughts and helps me stay positive. And gives me accountability! There may be things I have to let go of being in control of and getting my way but come with me this year on this journey and watch me win! One way or another!

Oh and by the way I turn 40 this year so there is a sense of urgency to show up and be me and know who “Me” is but not lose my family in the process. This will be no old beginning this is a fresh start to new beginnings, hard work and grind yes but love and laughter and passion to be found in this new beginning. In the process I will not let the hard work wear me down. I will not take the easy way out like I have in all the old beginnings. It’s hard, I won’t stop until I am where I want to be!

#ThisisRuby

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Be Thankful

24 Thursday Nov 2016

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Live in the Moment

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Be Kind, Love yourself, positivity, take nothing for granted, There is only today

​Happy Thanksgiving. We want to thank Toby and Fred, our two Turkeys who sacrificed all for our Thanksgiving dinner. Toby got to smoke in the Traeger, and Fred got cooked in the deep frier. Here are pictures of Toby and Fred post cooking. Thank you Toby and Fred. You both tasted yummy and created mouth watering, orgasmic like flavor in our mouths! To Toby and Fred, thank you!

Fred who was Deep Fried

Toby who was smoked in the Traeger

For real though, I am thankful for yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Yesterday was a rough day. Today is a reminder that every moment in yesterday was yesterday. Today is a new day. Most bad days will end, and there will be a tomorrow. Worrying about tomorrow just ruins today. If today is bad, just remember there is always (not guaranteed, but most of the time) a tomorrow. Tomorrow is a new start, and promise of a new day. 

So, if yesterday was bad, LEAVE IT THERE!  If today is bad, take solace and find peace that tomorrow is a new day. When tomorrow becomes today we can throw away the toils of worrying, put tomorrow in the past and live today. We can leave behind the stress anger and negativity of yesterday, and enjoy this moment. Relish in the sun on your face or the rain washing your spirit clean. Rain or shine there is something to be thankful for in today! Live today, that’s all that matters and it’s all you can control!

Happy Thanksgiving readers, I am thankful for you coming to read my thoughts inspiration and encouragement. Love yourself and love your family. Take nothing for granted. Even the shittiness in a given day, there is no good reason to toil about yesterday or tomorrow. Today is a gift, Be thankful.

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Rise Above the Negative

21 Monday Nov 2016

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Be Present, Be You, Family, Live life, Marriage is work, Mom Stuff, Raising Kids, Self Care, Working Mom

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Don't believe everything you think!, don't get caught up, Love yourself, positivity


Hello friends! Last week was rough for me! I am rising above the negativity and coming out of those ashes! I know that we mom’s expect much more out of ourselves than we should. Many times, we expect even more from ourselves than our worst critic. Sadly, sometimes, that critic lives with us and is one that we love most and the one we don’t want to let down. Which is why we are so hard on ourselves. Little does that critic know he or she, his criticism, is what not only drives us and motivates us to do better but also and more likely is what drives us to fall into dark places, kills us on the inside and shakes our confidence. 

So this quick post is to say to you, rise above you mom or sister or whoever is hard on you, magnifying you minor faults, most of all rise above that voice in your head shouting out your major faults! It’s time to realize, we are all worthy of the crown we wear! Yes we all wear a crown! We are all queens of our own universe and we are our best ally! So stop cutting youself short, stop focusing on the negative don’t letting them in your head! Don’t believe everything you think! You are not that bad you are the queen

Try to find a way to shake off their words and negativity and find positive. Call your friend who supports you. Go chat with you brother or dad instead of your unapproving mother. Have girlfriend time (or guy time if your a dude reading this post). Distract yourself away from the negative. Whoever that critical family member is trying to help you be better. But you can’t hear that it’s best to get away to distract yourself away from the negative situation. Read mom blogs like this one to remind yourself that you are normal! We are all normal and we are all queens! Our crowns do t always have jewels sometimes the have gray hair or as a friend of mine states Sparkly hair and sometimes it’s a ponytail thrown up.in a baseball cap! Wear it proud. 

This critical loved one, they have a dark story and tjays where their negativity is coming from there. They probably need support and positivity in their life as well but you focus on you. They are not ready to focus on themselves maybe they don’t know how. Let them be. Share only love that is the only way to break the cycle, get yourself the loving support that you need and love your loved ones back. Break the cycle of negativity and Rise above!

You don’t have an alien living in your house, you doing just fine! You are the queen, keep it up! 

#Rise2016

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Don’t Be Afraid

16 Monday May 2016

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Be You, Business, Do You, Don't judge me, Live in the Moment, Live life, Marriage is work, Mom Stuff, Raising Kids, Running, Schedule, Self Care, Take the time to take care of yourself, Volunteering, Working Mom

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don't accept good...go get great, Don't be afraid, expect the best, Go get the best you can, Love yourself, Standards, Take Care of Yourself, work it

I have gotten away from posting and/or writing everyday. I miss it! I want to write more but I am so busy, and other things get in the way. I want to take care of myself better too and the same things get in the way! It is my time! I am Ruby, I am a Mom, I am a Wife, I am a Massage Therapist and many other things. I am a woman who deserves the best from herself and I have not been giving myself the best. It is scary to leave what works and go to the unknown. I know I am better than this, I know I deserve better. I even think I know how to get it. But I am scared and as with every part of my life so far I sabotage and make excuses! STOP IT RUBY! JUST, STOP IT!

Don't be afraidI am a dreamer I believe we all deserve the best and we all are worthy but for some reason I accept less, always. Especially when it is me that is responsible for making it happen. It is so easy to stay in the now especially when things are good enough and maybe even better than most. I still sit here wanting the best, wanting more am I really capable? How can I do it? Will it really work? If not then what? Will I lose everything I have worked for so far? Probably not, but possibly. That is always possible. Am I making the best effort all the time? am I always doing my best? Am I always expecting the best or am I always accepting less? I am always accepting less, for me, I can sacrifice. As long as everyone else is happy. My best happiness does not always matter to me. I want everyone else to be happy I want them to have it easy, I will do the harder work to make you happy and hope that you will do the same for me…guess what, they don’t!

So here is my charge to myself, it is time to make the best decision for me. It is time for me to go be great! I know what I have to do. I almost know how to do it. I don’t know how I am going to but I am going to do it! I will be great. My life will be great and I will get what I deserve. I will not shy away from work to get there!

Do you need to do the same? Let’s support each other!

#DoYou2016

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You Are Doing Good Keep It Up

22 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Take the time to take care of yourself, Working Mom

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give yourself grace, Love yourself, Self Care, You Are Doing A Good Job, You Define You

image

I wasn’t going to post today. I have been busy and “in the moment” (and by inthe moment I mean I spent the morning procrastinating that I have e to get the house ready for carpet cleaners tomorrow) but the Hubs is snoring before I finished setting the alarm so here’s a quickie! Being a working mom is hard! I have spent years trying to feel OK and reason with myself that being “just a mom” is quite enough! It is a full time job! Someone needs to be there to help the children when even they don’t know they need it, Right?! My stay at home mom brain says “yes it’s a mom’s job and privilege to rescue her babies”

Well, yes and no! Now that I am a working mom I have learned the value and joy and privilege of those moments of being there to pick up the pieces and fix i t all but also the value of the kids learning how to do it when mom’s not their to rescue them is very important as well! I would usually much rather be there for them but I do have to leave to go to work. I agonize over it. Leaving to go to work and be there in time is not putting your work ‘first’ it’s being responsible! I ask myself am I neglecting them, will they be in therapy because I wasn’t there? Can they handle it themselves? What DID they pack in their lunch boxes? And then setimea it comes from them today was when they told me that I needed to go grocery shopping…OK, I might have time Wednesday to do that….

Will any of those things kill them? No. But I want to be there packing their lunches and writing cute lunch notes that I saw on Pinterest (probably procrastinating something important that I only had 5 minutes to do so I was on Pinterest instead) and making invitations to their birthday parties and never missing their birthday lunch…. The list goes on and on, but I also want to the mortgage paid and eventually to get a house on the lake, have season tickets to the Seahawks and not have to remove the children from their activities that costs thousands of dollars either! I want to do it all. But I can’t! No one can!

Now, I know there are working moms who’ve mastered this better than me! I know I could use a time management lesson or two and multitasking and organizational skills, and leta not forget my procrastination gene, but I also know that really, I’m doing pretty damn good! Even when it doesn’t feel like it. Examples are my kids can get themselves ready for school by themselves, they can pack their lunches and have figured out if they screw it up they pay for it in the way they feel. They know (better than I) obviously when to go grocery shopping (can’t wait to give them that chore) and they are learning they can buy me off by doing the dishes and other chores (yes that’s a parenting win!). The Boy doesn’t like to have to go to work with me or having tonhang out with Grandma sometimes, it’s boring. He knows if he does the dishes and the chores I set out for him, he gets to stay at home by himself! They also know when the chore list is too long that it’s time to go be bored at Grandma’s or that they have a great book to read during my evening massages. (I ain’t raising no fools here!)

What I want to say in this blog is that your worth as a mom and/or wife is not defined by the cleanliness of you house, or you perfect make up and clothes or by your salary or your husband’s. You are not defined with how put together your kids are or if their socks match, or even if their pillow case matches their sheets or even if they turn in their homework, it doesn’t make you a bad mom! You worth is defined by you and you alone! Not your husband (he will always want the house cleaner or more sex) Not your children (they will always want you to come to see them at school when you have an important meeting but that time you take off work for a field trip they won’t want to be in your group.) You’re not defined by your parents (don’t get me started) just as your chikdren will not be defined by you! Definitely not by your work (they can say how much they want to pay you but that does not equal your worth) And let’s not forget the scale, it is gravity and who the fuck cares about numbers anyway! (I know we all do but I had to include this, we all do it. Take care of yourself and be healthy and exercise, but don’t be stuck on the number!)

Your worth is defined by you! What’s important to you? Is that where you are putting your energy? If not, make changes! If it is important for you to see your kids grow, take the time off for the school play that they have only one line in, take the day of the field trip off and chaperone. If it is important for you to pay bills…do whatever you have to to get a good job and keep it. If it is important to give your kids a kiss at night, change your schedule at work so you are home by bedtime!

But by all means DO NOT DEFINE YOURSELF BY THE FAILURES YOU MAKE EVERYDAY! You will have a lot of mom fails, like when your kids tell you the household needs groceries and you don’t have time in your schedule for two days. Or the time you got spit up all over your new blouse the day of a presentation to your boss, or when you have to make a mad dash into every room when the carpet cleaners come because you didn’t have time tobget everything picked up! We will have plenty of failures and we will survive, our kids will survive (by the grace of God and alcohol hand wipes) and our husbands will brag to his about what a “bad ass my wife is because she did_______” (which you will have to remind him you heard him brag about it the next time he tells you you need to do it better).

So stop worrying, the simple fact that we worry about it probably means we are good enough and sometimes….Good enough=Supermom!

So wether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom, you got this!!! Define ourselves by being present in Motherhood. Be it with a screaming baby that needs walked up and down the hall at night or the teenage kid out on a date that we are waiting up for knowing they will be home 1 minute before curfew and we have to get up to go in early in the morning… Mom’s, we got this!

#Recommit2016

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Don’t Believe Everything You Think

10 Thursday Dec 2015

Tags

Be Proud of Who You Are, Be You, Do You, Insecurity, Love yourself, You are good enough!

So I chatted with the boss the other day, I did get a bit of a raise and reassurance that my schedule will continue to be full and was told I am still his favorite! So with all the air cleared and knowing that I am a good therapist and  worthy of being a leader of this Massage team, why do I still feel insecure when he posted a picture of the new LMP on Facebook announcing her arrival? I don’t understand where this insecurity is coming from! It is not weird though I am insecure about everything! 

image

I am working on that! I try to fake myself through those insecure moments. I get them with the Hubs too! I have to remind myself that I am a good massage therapist, a good wife, a good bartender, and a good mom even on days when I know I really fucked up! You never should doubt yourself, ever! I need to say that to myself “I never should doubt myself” Always do your best. If you are always doing your best even if someone surpasses you you have no need to feel down about yourself! As they say, leave it all on the field, always!!!!

You don’t have to believe everything you think! Just remind yourself of the good stuff and keep yourself in check.

#Eveeyday2015

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Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes | Filed under Massage Therapy, Self Care, Take the time to take care of yourself, Working Mom

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Don’t Let Fear Stop You

06 Sunday Dec 2015

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Be You, Do Your Thing, Massage Therapy, Self Care, Uncategorized, Working Mom

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Be Bold, be your own advocate, Don't be afraid, Love yourself, Sea, Seahawks, Speak up, Take care of you

It was Seahawks game day! We got a win! It was the first Sunday away game that I did not have to work. It felt right! I was so happy to spend the day with my family and friends! We had a great time! Seahawks won! Great game today they played well the whole game!

As much fun I had today and even this whole weekend it has been clouded with a bit of stress. I have to address it at the office. There are some changes happening at my office and I am feeling a little overwhelmed. I have wanted to sit down with the boss and chat about a few things but I have been to chicken to do so. Now things are coming to the surface and need to be addressed! “Please, Ruby, don’t chicken out. Stand up for yourself and be bold. Ask for what you want, how can you get what you want if you don’t ask. And nothing will change if you don’t speak up.” I have this really bad habit of not saying anything until I am way overwhelmed and it comes out harsh or bitchy or just plain not the way I wanted it to.

Fear-Quotes-32I want to ask for a raise, clarify schedules for me and the new massage therapist in the office, get some new supplies and make sure my role is defined and I know where I stand. I have considered asking about a partnership where I would take over or run the massage part of the business but I don’t know if I am ready for that or if I have time for that or if I could actually be a “partner”.  But right now with the acute issues that have been arising lately I am wondering if that all is too much to address all at once. But I am just going to go for it. Problem is that I have a full schedule and I don’t know when I can actually meet with my boss. I guess I just have to see if he can meet me after work one day or maybe before work.

My stomach is in knots just writing this! I am about in tears and I haven’t even wrote my list/outline to keep me focused during said talk with the boss. He is not a scary guy I actually like him a lot and he has told me in the past that he wants to keep me happy all I have to do is tell him what I need. So why am I so nervous about this talk. I am scared that he will decide now he has another therapist that will be there anytime, I have time constrictions to get the kids from school and such, so I am worried that maybe he will decide he doesn’t need or want me. She is fresh out of school and eager to work so maybe more flexible than I but really I just need to stand up for what I want and be happy.

I don’t want to work two jobs, I want to do massage. I want to promote wellness to my clients. I want to be happy. Why does it have to be so hard?!

Anyway, I am going to try to sit with this Seahawks win and the awesome weekend I have had with my family and be happy because that is what makes me happy! I am going to go look at some sexy videos with the hubs and end the day with a little attitude adjustment!

#Everyday2015

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You Do Not Have To Choose, You Just Have To Live

24 Monday Aug 2015

Posted by Sex Love and Washing Clothes in Be You, Do You, Love, Sex Love and Washing Clothes

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Acceptance, Be You, Live the life you love, Love the life you live, Love yourself

Today may have been the first day, all summer, that I had a full shopping trip at Costco. So yeah I dropped almost 4 bills for groceries today. But now the fridge is stocked and we can eat every meal at home (however I probably should have bought more eggs, oops). When I got home from the store I had to weight for the garbage truck to move out of my driveway, but I then cleaned out and organized my freezer. I did not scrub the bottom but I picked up all the crumbs and random french fries that were there from some weird science type experiment that my kids did one day probably 2 years ago. I filled up a trash bag full of old food and things that needed to be thrown away from freezer burn or that I just neglected to toss out before, and of course this was right after the garbage truck left. That garbage can is going to be ripe next week!

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Today I also went back to my counselor for the first time since the end of April. Since before I got busy at the massage office and before I started bartending. I sort of reflected on the summer and updated him with my life and what has been going on. We talked about how in the time that I have been seeing him (over the past few years), I have gone back and forth about being a stay at home mom and being a working mom. Similar to how my blog has gone this year. It was a very eye opening visit. It gave me a lot of perspective. I think he was surprised I am still doing my blog. The way it has shifted and changed and evolved but also stayed the same is similar to my adult life. Very interesting insight today.

A friend of mine said to me the other day that I should pick what I want to do. Stay at home mom or work…I do go back and forth all the time with what is “right” and today in my visit I talked about this. I don’t think I have to, nor should I “pick one”. Once I pick one or the other that makes one the right way and the other the wrong way. I am so, sometimes too, focused on what I am supposed to do or what the right thing to do is and that makes what I do right and/or wrong, and I don’t want to be wrong, I want to be me. I need to do me!

In life there never really is a right or a wrong. So I think for me my focus needs to be to do me. Whatever that is in that moment some days it is one thing and others it is another. As always my life and everyone’s life is very dynamic. It is always evolving and changing. The one constant is change and I am working on living in the moment and loving every moment and accepting ME just where I am.

#Everyday2015

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